The Seminary MVP Awards
So tomorrow is the first day of classes, which includes our yearly "Convocation" service, and a Convocation luncheon. It's usually just a bunch of meaningless jabber, and just a formality and a hoop to jump through. But the luncheon is also the time when awards and prizes are announced. Usually this wouldn't be a huge deal (though whenever there's some kind of awards ceremony, the obligatory comparison of myself to the winners, bitterness, joy, and other feelings all take their turn), but this year one of my professors recommended that I submit a paper to be considered for one of the awards, which I did. However, I think they usually let people know they have won ahead of time, to make sure they attend to receive the award (kind of like the MTV Movie Awards). And no one has sent me a reminder to make sure I attend. So chances are I did not win.
I am trying to keep telling myself it is an honor just to be nominated. But so far, it's not working.
What is it about these public recognition ceremonies that brings out these self-doubts and feelings of inadequacy? and this terrible need to "prove myself" and compare and rank myself among my peers. Yuck. I hate all this competition and comparison--that's why I usually avoid it like the plague. I need to really spend some time in prayer tonight remembering who I belong to, and that my God-given value doesn't change no matter how many awards I don't get (and more importantly, that other people do get). It's hard though.
I am trying to keep telling myself it is an honor just to be nominated. But so far, it's not working.
What is it about these public recognition ceremonies that brings out these self-doubts and feelings of inadequacy? and this terrible need to "prove myself" and compare and rank myself among my peers. Yuck. I hate all this competition and comparison--that's why I usually avoid it like the plague. I need to really spend some time in prayer tonight remembering who I belong to, and that my God-given value doesn't change no matter how many awards I don't get (and more importantly, that other people do get). It's hard though.
posted by bethany at 12:36 PM
2 Comments:
Oh so familiar! When I go to large meetings, say at work, and the head of the organization says they are going to pass out some awards and I've never heard of it, I'm immediately irritated because that means I'm not getting one. Then I sit through the whole thing hopeful that I will anyway and it will be a surprise. Then I'm disappointed when I don't. It makes me dislike the whole thing when I should be instead focusing on being happy for those that have been recognized for their achievements.
But, that's like all hard and stuff....
Bethany,
Ah. It's like a carbon of my life from last year. As a ridiculously lax student in my younger life (and as the husband of a mutiple award winner super student), I desperately wanted to win an award as some sort of validation of who I was now. So I submitted a paper that one of my professors loved and which is probably the best paper I'll ever write, and of course, I lost and felt like crap...and then felt inadequate and then felt guilty and then felt loved and then felt all right with myself (and, of course, it went to absolutely the right person!)
It was a nice sanctification moment for myself, really.
For graduation, I decided just to enter one paper as something of a spiritual discipline for myself. It was also nice in the sense that I wasn't worried about who was going to win what. Recognition is one of my temptations and I have to be on the watch out for that ugly little monster.
Loving the blog -- need to formulate some response to that embodied post. Interesting stuff.
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