Choosing to Lay Down my Will
One of my friendships here at seminary has been really helpful for me learning the importance of having agency in my own life. Because she is a pretty aware feminist, she is able to point out to me some of the interesting gender dynamics of culture I have not been aware of. (Case in point: She recently pointed out to me that often in sex women lack agency, and that the sexual act is about the man getting turned on, and the woman gets turned on because the man is turned on by her. So it really becomes focused on the man's arousal and the man getting turned on, rather than being focused on how turned on the woman is. Anyway, that's just a sidenote.)
But anyway, the point is, being around her has helped me to realize in deeper ways that I have the option to choose which things I do and don't want to do. Particularly in regard to other people, and things other people ask me to do for them. I think in college I did most everything I was asked, because that is just what you do--you put other people's needs above your own. But the thing is, I don't think I really understood that I had a choice; so there was not a real laying down of my will, y'know? And I realized that I have needed to get to this place where I really understand that I have the option to say no to someone, in order for my choosing to lay down my own will to have any meaning. And truth be told, I think I have become a little more selfish in the past couple years. In some ways I have been less likely to step up and help out if I didn't want to. But I think that's just part of the learning curve. I think God has helped me feel a real ownership over my will, so when in the future I make the choice to do something I don't want to do for the sake of another, I know it's not because I am being passive and lack agency, but it's because I am choosing to follow Jesus and live out the Gospel. And I do hope this happens more often in the days ahead.
And for the record, if someone says they feel the freedom to say no to doing things for other people, but never actually say no, then I question whether they really feel that freedom.
From Moby Dick: I tell you it will be more tolerable for the Fejee that salted down a lean missionary in his cellar against a coming famine; it will be more tolerable for that provident Fejee, I say, in the day of judgment, than for thee, civilized and enlightened gourmand, who nailest geese to the ground and feastest on their bloated livers in thy pate'-de-foie-gras.
But anyway, the point is, being around her has helped me to realize in deeper ways that I have the option to choose which things I do and don't want to do. Particularly in regard to other people, and things other people ask me to do for them. I think in college I did most everything I was asked, because that is just what you do--you put other people's needs above your own. But the thing is, I don't think I really understood that I had a choice; so there was not a real laying down of my will, y'know? And I realized that I have needed to get to this place where I really understand that I have the option to say no to someone, in order for my choosing to lay down my own will to have any meaning. And truth be told, I think I have become a little more selfish in the past couple years. In some ways I have been less likely to step up and help out if I didn't want to. But I think that's just part of the learning curve. I think God has helped me feel a real ownership over my will, so when in the future I make the choice to do something I don't want to do for the sake of another, I know it's not because I am being passive and lack agency, but it's because I am choosing to follow Jesus and live out the Gospel. And I do hope this happens more often in the days ahead.
And for the record, if someone says they feel the freedom to say no to doing things for other people, but never actually say no, then I question whether they really feel that freedom.
From Moby Dick: I tell you it will be more tolerable for the Fejee that salted down a lean missionary in his cellar against a coming famine; it will be more tolerable for that provident Fejee, I say, in the day of judgment, than for thee, civilized and enlightened gourmand, who nailest geese to the ground and feastest on their bloated livers in thy pate'-de-foie-gras.
posted by bethany at 7:02 PM
3 Comments:
Love the quote. I think your friend might have had some bad experiences or listened to folks who had bad sexual experiences. First, sex is reserved for marriage. That's where it's best. You also want to make sure that the man you marry is patient and really LOVES you before getting married in the first place. He will be willing to wait till you are ready to make love and listen and appreciate when you say "No." Men do generally want sex for their own desires. But, a man who realizes that fulfilling his wife's desires and needs first will be more fulfilled than he ever thought possible. He'll feel love, respect, and appreciation because he has shown all of the above to his wonderful mate. Communication and understanding are the key. Selflessness is also a prime factor. It all comes back to altruism in relationships.
actually, it is not solely based on my friend's personal experiences. it's just more of an observation of how sex is used in our culture (overall, obviously there are healthy exceptions). men's desires are put at the forefront, and women's value in the act comes from how well they can fit with those desires. it's just an interesting social commentary (not about how things should be, but about how things are...).
Ah, I see. Didn't mean anything about your friend. I just thought she was angry or upset about the sexual imbalance that is prevalent because of her own observations. I'm not sure if there are statistics to support what y'all were talking about or not, but I do know that the problem exists. You read about it and hear about it on TV, etc. It makes sense that it would be that way since most movies, TV shows/commercials, music, etc. depict women as objects of pleasure for men. Men, therefore, buy into the idea because it sounds good to them! I think being IN the World, but NOT OF the World comes in handy here. Men and women both must realize that the other person is not there solely for their pleasure or amusement. Love should prevail.
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