The Literary Life

I was looking through the music of John Denver on emusic the other day (don't be a cynic, his voice melts me--I swear, if a guy sweetly and sincerely sang "Annie's Song" to me I think I would fall instantly in love). And I remembered that when I was born (on Christmas Eve) my mom was watching the John Denver and the Muppets Christmas Special in her hospital bed. So I started thinking about how I had a special connection to that soundtrack, and to the music of John Denver, since it was one of the first things I heard when I came onto the earth's scene.

And I thought about a lot of other things in my life--metaphors that I have seen in my story, and that I have used to make sense of my life and to bring texture to my narrative. Like, I treat certain events or facts about my life in a very character-driven literary sense--and then I think about them, and digest them, and see how they fit in and help me make sense of my story and identity. There really isn't any difference (other than the level of investment) in how I look for threads and foreshadowing and symbolism in a novel, and how I look for it in my own life. A few examples are:

• I was baptized in the Russian Orthodox Church (OCA), at a small, missionary congregation that met in a room of a mortuary. What a great metaphor of life coming out of death--being baptized in a green, plastic tub in a mortuary! Then there's a lot I could say about the Russian connection, but I'll leave it just at the metaphor of the physical baptism.
• I am an only child. This, in a larger sense, is like a foreshadowing or metanarrative of isolation and loneliness. Alone-ness.
• My big, loud singing voice that can make grown people weep (and not only because they wish they had earplugs..) that I refuse to share with a larger audience of people (leading worship doesn't count to me, since I don't consider it a performance). It's like a tangible symbol of this general trend I have of having trouble being in the spotlight--especially in a positive way.

I could go on, these are just a few random ones I could think of right off.

At first I thought, "Maybe that's weird to look at my life in such a literary way, and to be seeing all these plot devices in my own life story." Then I thought, it's not like symbolism, foreshadowing, metaphor, and thematic threads were created by novelists--rather, part of the reason novelists use them, and part of the reason they are effective, is that these serendipitous, "literary" moments happen in our lives all the time if we are just open to seeing them. And I wonder how involved God is in the whole thing--like, how much God is setting things up, or using certain "plot points", etc... Anyway, I rather like thinking of life in this literary, narrative way, and I wonder how much God delights in these literary moments, that I find so beautiful and thrilling; and I think about God's role in creating these moments.

XM, Brightness, Need, and Want

1. I just got XM radio a few days ago. My dad bought it for me in some kind of family deal (since he already has it) and had it shipped up to me. I love it! I do love my iPod, but with that, I always know all the music I'm going to be listening to. But this way, I get to learn new artists and hear new music and be exposed and grow and expand and all of that good stuff. So far I haven't fallen desperately in love with any of the new artists I have heard, but I know that will come soon enough. It is so great!!! And they don't censor any of the bad language, which is nice. I figure, if the artist put it in there, and it's part of the song, I want to hear it! Thank you XM, for letting me hear profanity.

2. My oppressive loneliness (see previous post) has lifted. It's not like anything external really changed, but somehow life has just begun to look bright again, and I feel connected to the people I love and who love me back. It also helps that I had a great weekend hanging out with friends I love and who really know me, and that my feelings for the boy I liked and was painfully obsessing over for the past couple of months have faded away (I knew after just a little while that we were completely incompatible, but I just couldn't let it go, until now. Freedom!). Plus, I got some good exercise in this week. Thank you God for seratonin.

3. I've been working on a sermon this weekend. I'm preaching at a Lenten service at my church this coming Sunday evening. I love love love exegesis, and pouring over a biblical text with markers and highlighters and pencils and making notes and connections and underlining and coming to new revelations through the text about God and life and humanity and myself. There really are few things I love more in the whole world. And the greatest part is that it was this kind of ambiguous text (Luke 4:14-30) that after reading a couple times I was like, what the hell is Jesus talking about here? And that's the best kind--because then I can go in and explore and find and discover and question and realize. It's so so fun. And I feel like I have seen some really cool things in the text, and feel like what that text is saying really matters. And if I'm going to be preaching on it, I guess that's a good place to be. I'm excited!

4. Feel free to send some prayers in the direction of my family. My step-father has been really struggling healthwise lately, and tonight he had a big stroke and was taken by ambulance to the ER. He will likely have open heart surgery (for the 3rd time in his life) this week, and it's risky and I think he's scared (who wouldn't be?). And as an only child, it's a lot of emotional burden on me, which is not shared, so it's kind of rough.

5. In other news...the countdown to Patty Griffin is ON! Next Tuesday night is the concert. Uh oh, I just had a thought. I'm a little anxious that maybe the surgery would be next Tuesday and I'd have to skip the concert. Yes, I know, what a selfish thought...but still, I really hope I don't have to miss the show.

The Little Things

In times like the one I am in right now, of oppressive, suffocating loneliness, it's good for me to try to be present to and appreciate those little things that make me smile. God is so in the little things, you know? Like today, this brief interaction between one of my students and I, when she first walked in the room this morning. I must have looked like hell or something, after crying on my way to work and just feeling like crap.

Shonshana: Hi Bethany
Me: Good morning, Shonshana
Shonshana: Are you okay?
Me: No
Shonshana: Oh, you're in trouble?
Me: {grinning}

Maybe you have to know her to appreciate this, since she's always getting in trouble for one thing or another. There was just something so endearing about that exchange. I loved that her first response was to assume I had gotten into trouble. It was just so sincere, and sweet, and funny. Thank God for those moments of light.

Public Service Announcement: Isolation

Drawing from my conversations with people, it seems clear to me that pretty much everyone struggles with some strong feelings of isolation. I really have lately (I'm also an only child who had a tumultuous family life...kind of lends itself to feelings of deep aloneness that I am constantly having to battle). Our culture also lends itself to that, and I really think it's a profound evil that is running amok in our culture. So this is just a public service announcement to all of us to say: Enough already! Call someone! Initiate! Take a risk!

If almost everyone is feeling isolated, and most everyone struggles with initiating because there's a risk of being hurt and rejected, then no one is ever going to hang out with anyone, and no new relationships and communities are going to be formed. And while I'm not saying that I am the queen of initiating, I do try to reach out to people and to ask people to do things and to try to get to know people. But I often feel like people don't initiate with me as much as I initiate with other people. And it's not that they don't want to hang out with me; because when I suggest it they are all over it. But there are those people who are never initiating, and always just waiting to be approached...and to you people I say: stop slacking and just do it already.

Take this as a potential message straight from our God to you. If you are feeling lonely, don't stare at the phone (or your email inbox or your IM window or your myspace account) waiting for someone to come and rescue you from your isolation. You are not the only one who feels isolated. Pick up the phone and call someone else, who might also be feeling isolated. If you always leave it to someone else to do all the work, that's just not fair. Get off your figurative and literal butt and go love someone already!

End of public service announcement.