6.22.2006

taking myself too seriously

So, over the past month, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what exactly I would like to do with my life right now. There are several options of things I could pursue--pastor in a church, chaplaincy, CPE units, etc., and I've basically been driving myself crazy trying to figure out which of them (if any) I really want to go after, or what it is that I want to do. My long term plan is to get my PhD in biblical studies (probably OT), and then my super awesome dream is to start a new kind of seminary with two of my best friends (members of the inner sanctum of my life) Micah and Aline. So far they are open to entertaining the idea, with the stipulations that 1) we not give grades, and 2) it be located in a warm climate. But that's a ways in the future, and only Micah is actually currently in a PhD program...so we'll have to wait and see about that. But a girl can dream.

So as I've been brooding (no, it's not too strong a word) over what the hell I'm going to do with my life, and whether there is anything I can do with an MDiv that I actually would like to do, I have realized how self-centered this process is. It's a really tricky line between focusing on finding a line of work where I can use my gifts for the good of humanity and the Kingdom, and realizing that the real stuff of Christianity can be lived out in beautiful, radical, and authentic ways in all sorts of different occupations. I think I have gotten caught up in the former--as if I am just so fabulous that the whole world will lose out if I don't use my gifts in the right way. Sometimes I just take myself too seriously.

I'm just trying to walk that tricky line between taking my life seriously as something to be a good steward of, and at the same time not taking my life that seriously since I know God is above all things--and I'm not doing too well at it. It's really this period of decision that is hard. I feel like once someone gets a job, no matter what it is, the question is then how to do that job in a Christianly sort of way. But it's this preliminary choosing piece that's just taking me over the edge. For some reason I just feel like I have to find this perfect position where the greatest amount of my gifts will be used with the greatest output, and that will challenge me to grow in the most ways. It's like some holy career equation where I need to find the threshold of gift utilization.

But then I think again about what Christianity is about--cups of cold water for people who are thirsty, welcoming the stranger, caring for the orphan and the widow...the last being first, and I realize that maybe my perspective needs to change. As I consider things to do though, it's hard to fight against the feeling that I must put my MDiv to use, and that's exacerbated by the fact that most of the people around me also think I must put it to use. Otherwise, it's a waste, right? But I do keep thinking that God's ways are not like human ways, and just because God calls someone to go through seminary does not necessarily mean they have to "use it" in some kind of conventional way. It's a hard lie to fight, though.

1 Comments:

Blogger KQ said...

Ah, Bethany. I know how you feel, except for the part about having an MDiv. :) But I am convinced that in the majority of occupations that are out there, opportunities present themselves to serve the Kingdom of God.
I have been thinking a lot about what it means to be saved and to be unconcerned with what the world values, especially in the context of business. I'm not sure I have any concrete thoughts to share yet, but it seems endlessly confusing at this point. When do we stop surviving and start getting greedy? What's depending on God and what's just being lazy? I know much of it has to do with the heart, not with the resulting actions, but it can be easy to convince yourself that you're doing the right thing when you're really not.
I'm sure this makes you feel much, much better. Anyway- we miss you!

2:03 PM  

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