Hope.
It's been a few weeks. Rather than make myself feel sickeningly self-indulgent by typing every single thought I've had over the past few weeks, I'll just mention a couple kind of broad places my mind has been going lately. And in terms of specifics, yes I am in California, and yes I am still undecided as to what the next step in my life is going to be. I'm meeting with my Presbytery in about 2 weeks so they can (hopefully) certify me as ready to look for a call (if that's what God and I decide to do with my life). I had to write a sermon and exegesis paper (on a passage of my choice) and a 1 page statement of faith, and turned them in last Friday. So, now I'm a little more free.
One thing I've been thinking about a is Hope. Since not "getting in" to the L'Arche community in Seattle, I have basically had no hopes for anything. (I actually am, in hindsight, glad I didn't end up in that community. But the real disillusionment with L'Arche in general has been what I have been taking really hard and what has been very disappointing for me.) I think I am too afraid to hope, and am in self-protection mode. And I know that ideally my hope is not based on anything but Jesus (can't you hear the song? My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness...), but I think most people would be lying if they didn't admit that their hope was somehow influenced by the various things that happen in their lives.
And while I do agree that the only sure thing we can put our hope in is God, I have been thinking a lot about what the good is of hoping for things on earth--like for our own dreams, desires, etc. I mean, everyone does it, either for a spouse, healthy children, a job they want, how they want their ministry to grow, whatever. And at a time when my own hopes for my future have become nonexistent, I have felt that was a bad thing, and that it would be good when over time I began to hope for these things again.
But last week I went to lunch with a friend of mine who is now doing her post-doc work on a Reservation in rural Wyoming, and we talked a little about this hope thing, and her take on it was different than mine. To her, not being overly hopeful for specific life events is part of the process of maturing. That as you just experience more in the world, you realize that everything is going to be a mixture of things you like, and things you don't, of hard things/easy things, etc. So you are just more realistic as you approach things, and you don't pin all your hopes on one specific job/person/plan/etc.
There is something really true about that--because the longer I live I see that what I hope for and what is really good for me are not necessarily the same. And at times I have had a clear view of the reality that when I haven't gotten what I wanted, and was pissed at God, it was really the best thing in the end. But then other times, that's less clear.
So I guess the main question I'm wrestling with is, Is it good to make plans and have hopes and dreams for your future? And if so, how much should you really hope in them? It seems like, with God, I have to hold all of my own purposes loosely--no matter how good and in line with the values of the Kingdom I think they are, because (and I think this is the bottom line) I just don't dream as big or as well as God. So is it a good thing for me to have no hopes about my life? Is that a manifestation of holding my purposes with open hands? Or, is it a manifestation of cynicism and a brokenness born in disappointment? Or maybe both? I guess there is a real invitation here for me to place my trust in Jesus alone in a new way. That's the upside.
One thing I've been thinking about a is Hope. Since not "getting in" to the L'Arche community in Seattle, I have basically had no hopes for anything. (I actually am, in hindsight, glad I didn't end up in that community. But the real disillusionment with L'Arche in general has been what I have been taking really hard and what has been very disappointing for me.) I think I am too afraid to hope, and am in self-protection mode. And I know that ideally my hope is not based on anything but Jesus (can't you hear the song? My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness...), but I think most people would be lying if they didn't admit that their hope was somehow influenced by the various things that happen in their lives.
And while I do agree that the only sure thing we can put our hope in is God, I have been thinking a lot about what the good is of hoping for things on earth--like for our own dreams, desires, etc. I mean, everyone does it, either for a spouse, healthy children, a job they want, how they want their ministry to grow, whatever. And at a time when my own hopes for my future have become nonexistent, I have felt that was a bad thing, and that it would be good when over time I began to hope for these things again.
But last week I went to lunch with a friend of mine who is now doing her post-doc work on a Reservation in rural Wyoming, and we talked a little about this hope thing, and her take on it was different than mine. To her, not being overly hopeful for specific life events is part of the process of maturing. That as you just experience more in the world, you realize that everything is going to be a mixture of things you like, and things you don't, of hard things/easy things, etc. So you are just more realistic as you approach things, and you don't pin all your hopes on one specific job/person/plan/etc.
There is something really true about that--because the longer I live I see that what I hope for and what is really good for me are not necessarily the same. And at times I have had a clear view of the reality that when I haven't gotten what I wanted, and was pissed at God, it was really the best thing in the end. But then other times, that's less clear.
So I guess the main question I'm wrestling with is, Is it good to make plans and have hopes and dreams for your future? And if so, how much should you really hope in them? It seems like, with God, I have to hold all of my own purposes loosely--no matter how good and in line with the values of the Kingdom I think they are, because (and I think this is the bottom line) I just don't dream as big or as well as God. So is it a good thing for me to have no hopes about my life? Is that a manifestation of holding my purposes with open hands? Or, is it a manifestation of cynicism and a brokenness born in disappointment? Or maybe both? I guess there is a real invitation here for me to place my trust in Jesus alone in a new way. That's the upside.
posted by bethany at 2:28 PM
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