5.15.2006

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

I am leaving Atlanta and starting my drive back to California one week from today!! YAY! Yes I will miss a few people here, but I am so SO ready to get the heck out of here.

Transitional times can be so confusing. And while I do trust that God is in this with me, and there is no real need for me to worry about my future, it's really hard not to. As I'm figuring out what the next step will be, there are lots of options, lots of questions, and very few answers. And depending on what I choose, there are certain things I'm losing and certain things I'm gaining. It's just hard to figure this out. Here are some of the options, and some of the plusses and minuses.

-Moving in with my mom and step-dad and just getting some kind of real full-time highish paying job (like teaching special ed again). Pros: No rent, and can pay off student loans. Comfortable. Home. Get to spend time with my family. Cons: It's still a 2 hour drive from where the majority of my close friends are (L.A.). It feels like a real step backwards. It will be hard to be around my family all the time.

-Getting a place in L.A. and getting some highish paying job there. Pros: Close to my friends and will get to see them often. I enjoy living in L.A. Get to live alone and do what I want. Cons: High rent will keep me from being able to pay off my loans very quickly. Sometimes the image-consciousness of L.A. wears on me.

-Just spending a few months w/ my parents, getting some kind of retail job or something, and looking for a permanent sort of ministry-related job anywhere in the country (except the South). Pros: Gives me a nice little break. I will actually be looking to do something to put my MDiv to use. It's a more permanent move, rather than just taking a year off. I won't feel as much like I'm wasting time. Cons: Just when I start getting back into the groove w/ my inner sanctum of friends again, I'll be leaving. These past 3 years have been very dry for me relationally, and I don't want to take the chance that I'll just go into another situation like that when I move somewhere new. I won't get to rack up all sorts of money to pay off my student loans.

-Spending a year doing something to make money, and getting ready to do PhD work in Old Testament.

It's a question of priorities. What matters more: getting to spend time with the people I love the most in the world, or working in my field I just spent 3 years studying for? What matters more: getting my loans paid off and then being free from debt, or doing a job that I find most meaningful even if it takes 10 years to pay off my loans? Do I want to do PhD work? Do I have to do it soon? etc. etc. etc.

So many questions. No answers. I really need to spend some time praying right now. I need to remember that: Efficiency isn't the most important thing in the world. God doesn't always work in a linear way. Sometimes I may think I'm "wasting" time, when really there is a lot of work God may be doing below the surface (I learn this lesson from flower bulbs and (shoutout to Brian) popcorn kernels). No matter what path I take, there will be some things gained and some things lost. I have to trust that God is working in this. Not easy.

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