taking myself too seriously
So as I've been brooding (no, it's not too strong a word) over what the hell I'm going to do with my life, and whether there is anything I can do with an MDiv that I actually would like to do, I have realized how self-centered this process is. It's a really tricky line between focusing on finding a line of work where I can use my gifts for the good of humanity and the Kingdom, and realizing that the real stuff of Christianity can be lived out in beautiful, radical, and authentic ways in all sorts of different occupations. I think I have gotten caught up in the former--as if I am just so fabulous that the whole world will lose out if I don't use my gifts in the right way. Sometimes I just take myself too seriously.
I'm just trying to walk that tricky line between taking my life seriously as something to be a good steward of, and at the same time not taking my life that seriously since I know God is above all things--and I'm not doing too well at it. It's really this period of decision that is hard. I feel like once someone gets a job, no matter what it is, the question is then how to do that job in a Christianly sort of way. But it's this preliminary choosing piece that's just taking me over the edge. For some reason I just feel like I have to find this perfect position where the greatest amount of my gifts will be used with the greatest output, and that will challenge me to grow in the most ways. It's like some holy career equation where I need to find the threshold of gift utilization.
But then I think again about what Christianity is about--cups of cold water for people who are thirsty, welcoming the stranger, caring for the orphan and the widow...the last being first, and I realize that maybe my perspective needs to change. As I consider things to do though, it's hard to fight against the feeling that I must put my MDiv to use, and that's exacerbated by the fact that most of the people around me also think I must put it to use. Otherwise, it's a waste, right? But I do keep thinking that God's ways are not like human ways, and just because God calls someone to go through seminary does not necessarily mean they have to "use it" in some kind of conventional way. It's a hard lie to fight, though.