Contacts and glasses and men, oh my!
Okay, so, now the truth will come out a little more. Part of the reason I also wanted to get contacts is because I think sometimes I come off as a little hard or defended, and my intellect is one of the ways I kind of give off that image. And, truthfully, I think this keeps some guys from asking me out or initiating with me, who might otherwise. Not that I would have scads of men banging on my door, because I've just never been that girl; but there would be another one here or there that might feel more comfortable with me and willing to make a move (because he wouldn't fear I would beat him down with my gigantic, spikey brain).
I was talking to a few different (female) friends about this over the weekend, and they all agreed in some ways with this notion: men like women they feel like they can "help" or be useful to in some way; that it somehow makes them feel more manly and competent and valuable.
So, I have a few different thoughts about this:
*First, I go back and forth on whether it's bad for me to want to seem less intellectual to someone (at least upon first meeting them). Because, on one hand, am I hiding a part of myself that's really there, just to please a man? That would be tragic and oppressive and wrong. But on the other hand, if it's something I sometimes use as a defense mechanism, maybe it's good to let other aspects of my personality come through, instead of just the smart/intellectual thing.
*Second, I am deeply DEEPLY opposed to women faking helplessness, or not learning to do things they really could do on their own, just so they can keep their "need" for a man's help alive. I am very self-sufficient in a lot of ways, but at the same time there are lots of vulnerabilities that I have where another person's help, love, and encouragement are like water to a parched throat. We all do need people for something or another, sometimes it's tangible, sometimes not--and the point is not to pretend we are weak in ways we are actually strong, but to be willing to be more open with what our true neediness is. That is what I need to work on, in a big way.
*Third, here are some questions about the whole thing: Is the desire to be "useful" and "helpful" something essential to a man's character, and how God made him to be? Is this desire less pronounced in women (on the whole), and if so, why? Does this attitude of "helpfulness" communicate an implicit hierarchy or patriarchy, or not? Are men as willing to receive help for their needs from women, and is that a problem that can be fixed, or just a reality to live with? Why does this whole mating thing have to be so complicated? Why do competent, smart, capable, thoughtful, strong, Christian men always seem to choose fragile, bland, pretty, small, traditionally girly, trophy wives who do not challenge them? Okay. No need to get personal. No need to come off as bitter--because honestly, I'm not bitter, just more curious at this point about the dynamics. Because I smell a rat in the soup; but don't know what kind of rat it is.
After writing all of this, it's pretty clear that just wearing contacts is not going to get me anywhere. Alas.
I was talking to a few different (female) friends about this over the weekend, and they all agreed in some ways with this notion: men like women they feel like they can "help" or be useful to in some way; that it somehow makes them feel more manly and competent and valuable.
So, I have a few different thoughts about this:
*First, I go back and forth on whether it's bad for me to want to seem less intellectual to someone (at least upon first meeting them). Because, on one hand, am I hiding a part of myself that's really there, just to please a man? That would be tragic and oppressive and wrong. But on the other hand, if it's something I sometimes use as a defense mechanism, maybe it's good to let other aspects of my personality come through, instead of just the smart/intellectual thing.
*Second, I am deeply DEEPLY opposed to women faking helplessness, or not learning to do things they really could do on their own, just so they can keep their "need" for a man's help alive. I am very self-sufficient in a lot of ways, but at the same time there are lots of vulnerabilities that I have where another person's help, love, and encouragement are like water to a parched throat. We all do need people for something or another, sometimes it's tangible, sometimes not--and the point is not to pretend we are weak in ways we are actually strong, but to be willing to be more open with what our true neediness is. That is what I need to work on, in a big way.
*Third, here are some questions about the whole thing: Is the desire to be "useful" and "helpful" something essential to a man's character, and how God made him to be? Is this desire less pronounced in women (on the whole), and if so, why? Does this attitude of "helpfulness" communicate an implicit hierarchy or patriarchy, or not? Are men as willing to receive help for their needs from women, and is that a problem that can be fixed, or just a reality to live with? Why does this whole mating thing have to be so complicated? Why do competent, smart, capable, thoughtful, strong, Christian men always seem to choose fragile, bland, pretty, small, traditionally girly, trophy wives who do not challenge them? Okay. No need to get personal. No need to come off as bitter--because honestly, I'm not bitter, just more curious at this point about the dynamics. Because I smell a rat in the soup; but don't know what kind of rat it is.
After writing all of this, it's pretty clear that just wearing contacts is not going to get me anywhere. Alas.
posted by bethany at 8:36 AM
6 Comments:
we really all need each other, you know? men AND women
(HA! you wrote "mating" like as if we were peacocks or water buffalo or something!)
just be yourself, lady!
***keep it simple***
jb
I've been thinking a lot about the idea of strong Christian men with apparently passive women. I'm not an authority on strong Christian men but I've noticed that, historically, the men that seem to really like me are men from families where the women around them were very strong. So, based solely on my own experience, it would appear that strong women- bold, opinionated, intelligent, verbal women - will be best accepted by men who are used to strong women. But I'm currently single so...
I am not a guy, but personally, I am in love with your gigantic spikey brain.
I heart it.
dana
also...jb, my dear, you know I love you, but I've been thinking about your "keep it simple" comment ever since you wrote it, and I have to tell you that it stings a little.
I think you mean, as we all know, that bethany is a great lady, and there is a guy out there (we hope) that will see her and fall in love with her as a complete package-- delicously smart brain and all.
However, the experience of many smart, strong Christian women is that we see the pattern she describes in her blog REGULARLY. And it is painful. It hurts to see the parts of yourself that you love regularly invalidated by the dating choices of many Christian men.
So given this, what would "keeping it simple" mean?
It is hard for me to hear "keep it simple" in this context and not hear that we (smart strong women) are the problem for either making things more complicated than they need to be or acknowledging pain and confusion about a subject that men would rather we really not touch or think about because it is hard for you to hear or that you flat out don't want to hear or care about.
keeping it real,
dj
When I was in highschool a guy friend of mine told me that boys are stupid, don't read into what they do too much. Take it at face value. I don't really think boys are stupid (most of the time), but the other part has been great advice. Maybe that is what jb means with keep it simple.
Shalom.
“Is the desire to be "useful" and "helpful" something essential to a man's character, and how God made him to be?”
Our brains are wired to make logical sense of things—to connect bits and pieces together coherently. When things are made sense of or the bits and pieces put together and work, our brains are satisfied and we feel good.
Example: Jenny has a bad day with a coworker... She goes to Bob and tells him about it... She's talking to him about it only secondarily because she's looking for an answer to satisfy her brain—it is primarily because she is looking to satisfy her heart/feelings/emotions and by talking about it with Bob, she works through her emotions... Bob, however, IS primarily interested in giving an answer to satisfy the brain. And when he does so, he's perplexed as to why Jenny doesn't feel better. Sound familiar?
Now, me being a guy...I answered your post not because I have a need to be helpful or useful, but because my brain is wired to make me connect the pieces together so everything works like it should. So I've done that. Why am I not satisfied? Because I think such questions were probably not the initial or primary reason for the post, so let me speak to the heart now...
The fact that you are a thoughtful, caring, and smart (bonus!) follower of Yeshua... that you aren't afraid of tough/taboo questions.. and you've willingly endured my extensive use of ellipses... is VERY attractive. The glasses only augment your beauty IMHO. I would be honored to take you out for some fun on the town and get to know you better. Email me if curious/interested: pariahpriest@yahoo.com.
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