Live Right Now

Simplifying--Please Go to my Xanga Blog

2007-05-30T19:55:00.000-07:00

In an effort to simplify my life, especially now that Xanga allows non-registered users to comment on posts, and considering I don't get many comments on this blog, I am going to be posting only on my Xanga blog from now on. Please visit me there!

www.xanga.com/bethanythegreat

Thanks!!!

Why I Believe, Part 1 of Infinity

2007-05-24T07:46:00.000-07:00

First, let me say that I have blocked my first real user on Xanga (my other blog with the same content, where I actually get comments). Once someone decides that they get to question whether or not I am a Christian, and to throw out spiritually arrogant attacks, they are nixed. Feel free to read the comments on my last post there to see what I mean. At first I was going to respond, and to say that doubting is not antithetical to faith (and to point out the bitter, pointed examples of doubt and frustration with God in our very own Bible; he even asked me to "read the psalms" to learn about God's love; well, there are several psalms expressing deep despair and lack of hope, and I had to stop myself from rushing to quote them all to validate my point)...but I really would rather not encourage this line of conversation--ie, let's fight and prove the other one wrong, etc. When argument (esp. of such a personal nature) is done between strangers, and not in the context of a relationship of trust and love, very little good can come out of it. I choose out of that.

Now, onto the day's topic. Heather asked me a question on my last entry (Rachel, you asked me something too, which I will get to in a later post...I need to think about it more), and I'd like to offer a very meager, unsatisfying, response-in-progress to why I believe God is active in the world. She asked:

Um, can I ask, why? What were your reasons for believing God to be 'in action'? I kept waiting for you to write about it in the post, but then realized this was more just being thankful for the opportunity, but I'm curious about the specifics.

Thanks for the question, it made me think further. Unfortunately, my answer will probably be unsatisfactory (to you, and probably to me also). I feel like it's one of those questions like, "Why do you love your husband?" I mean, you could give some reasons...but at the end of the day, it's not easily quantifiable and able to be articulated. That said, I will throw a few things out there.

1) Structural examples of ways people are moved by God to love others in the world. I look around the world, especially poorer countries, and notice that a lot (I would say the vast majority, but I don't have actual statistics) of the hospitals, schools for women, etc. were started by churches or missionaries or Christian groups. Say what you will about the failings of Christians (and I would agree with them), there is no denying the ways hundreds of thousands of people have been moved to work for justice and to care for others around the world. In an age of such selfishness, I do find this to be miraculous, and the work of God.
2) Same as number 1, but on a personal/relational level. I am amazed sometimes at the love I see in others, and in myself. When I see this love, I see God's work.
3) My own experiences relating to God. You know, like feeling God's presence, hearing God say something, feeling God softening my heart and transforming me, that kind of stuff.
4) Faith. This is the one that plays a big part, and is probably the least satisfying of an answer. Since I don't feel like I conjure it up, it's just something that's there (at least most of the time).

Anyway, that's as good an answer as I can come up with right now. I have a feeling this question will be asked and reanswered very many more times throughout my life.

Of Mice and Atheists

2007-05-16T22:05:00.000-07:00

I have found it to be an oddly faith-building experience lately to talk heatedly about God with an Atheist. It has been a refreshing and much needed change of pace to be on the side of wanting to lift up the beauty and good of the Church, and of God, rather than being the one to say all the ways we Christians are not being the church Jesus calls us to be. See, it forces me to reach down deep into my guts and find those reasons why, in the face of so much crap and disappointment and pervasive brokenness (communally and individually), I choose to remain a Christian and to remain committed to my faith in Jesus and desire to follow him.

Over the weekend I was talking to a few friends about why we think people should become Christians. My set-up was this: let's say there's no Hell--and the main impetus for wanting someone to be a Christian could not be that you wanted to save their soul from eternal torment. If you take that away, what would you tell them? Maybe it was the group I was with, all of us who are in a place of some real struggle right now, but it seriously wasn't easy to come up with reasons. Looking around, and realizing the real suffering going on in each of our lives at that moment, none of us had it in us to think that being a Christian really made your life any happier or less filled with sorrow and disappointment. Honestly (and maybe this is a post for another time), I often think being a Christian actually increases suffering (especially certain types), rather than decreasing it. Not that God should be about making us feel joyful and fulfilled all the time...but if all the knowledge that we are loved and that God is with us exists just as an abstract concept, and not in our guts and feelings, then it's sometimes hard to see the point. I know that's where faith comes in; but there are those times when it's hard to know that being a Christian is really worth it.

So after feeling like a total apostate, realizing I couldn't think of anything I could say to someone to make them think being a Christian sounds appealing...let's just say it forces me out of my shell to talk with an Atheist (who is combative, though mostly respectful) and to say why I do think God is real and important and at work in the world. And it's funny, because he could say the same thing I've said about God before (for example, pointing out that the world is so messed up and that if there was a God, God should really be intervening more and not letting so many people suffer), but it's so different coming from the lips of someone who mocks God than from someone who worships God. I take God to task plenty. But hearing someone else do it--someone who doesn't love and revere God, well, it just forces me to think about and articulate the reasons that in the face of what appears to be God's inaction, I still firmly believe God is in action. It is good to dig into and rediscover that part of myself. It is full, it is beautiful, and it has been neglected.

I am thankful for my Atheist friend.

Just Some Thoughts

2007-05-09T22:41:00.000-07:00

Here are a few of the things rolling around in my head.

1) A friend of mine and I were discussing feminism, especially in the context of dating (specifically, of dating Christian men, as feminist Christian women). She mentioned that she often has people say something like this to her: "You're too pretty to be a feminist!" or "But you don't really need to be a feminist, you're attractive." I am not sure I completely get where this sentiment is coming from...but I'm pretty sure that the place it's coming from proves that there is a great great need for feminism. God help us.

2) I am typically pretty cool with people dissing Christianity. I mean, let's be honest, within the church, and the ways we Christians can be such total morons, well...it just does warrant criticalness and frustration pretty often. But I noticed something interesting in myself lately--that I'm cool with Christians dissing Christianity, and I'm also cool with people who were raised in the church but were hurt and disappointed and disillusioned questioning and expressing anger at the church...BUT, lately I've had a couple of people who are not Christians dissing Christianity to me, and I actually found myself becoming quite defensive. I didn't really act defensive, but internally I felt protective and fierce. I think it's something like that principle about how I can talk smack about my family all I want, but if somebody outside the family does...that's trouble. I'm not saying I need to defend or protect Christianity, it's done its thing for 2000 years independent of my protection; but, I just found it interesting that I did feel protective, y'know?

3) Another friend and I were recently talking about how to meet men (I swear, I do talk to my friends about things other than dating and men). And I realized I just hate that whole mentality of always putting yourself out there no matter where you are--and just trying to meet men all the f-ing time. When I get into that mindset, and I'm "on the prowl" everywhere I go, then every time I go somewhere and don't meet a man (which is the vast majority of the time) I feel like a failure. And I don't like feeling like I've failed just because I went grocery shopping, or to the library, or to a coffee shop, or to a party, and didn't meet a man I wanted to go on a date with. I much prefer life when I am not "on the prowl."

Anger and What is Wrong in the World

2007-05-07T20:49:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with a friend this afternoon (and I use the term "conversation" loosely...it was mostly a diatribe from him, with me throwing in the occasional question). It's exhausting to listen to the story a person's anger and frustration with the world and confusion about how to exist in a system that is set up and run by people who are totally out of touch with what it means to be a laborer and to really build the world. He was angry, and he has a right to be.

And I started thinking about my own anger toward this world. Actually, what I really started realizing was that I am not feeling all that angry at the world these days. But I don't think that's a good thing. As any of you who have cried out with rage in the midst of injustice or mistreatment or seeing some unnecessary suffering of humanity, seeing the ways the structure of our culture is to blame for the hardship and day-to-day struggles of millions of people...many of you know there really is a need for anger. The thing is though, being angry all the time is so tiring. It's hard to always fight against the grain. It's much easier just to fit in with the way the world is--to assimilate to some of the ladder climbing, and to just kind of go with the flow from time to time...and to just put out of your mind that you are kind of complicitly supporting and engaging in the dominant system of oppression.

Especially for someone like me--who in some ways benefits from the way our culture is. I think fast, I'm good at school, I grew up in the dominant (white) culture, and I'm articulate. I have the potential to climb pretty high up on the ladder of status in our society (though my gender, physical appearance, and total inability to bullshit people partly limits how high I'd be able to climb). Sometimes complacency can come easy; especially because anger is so draining. And with complacency comes lack of motivation to create change. So I can see why the power structures in the world would love complacency. With anger can come impetus to start a revolution that would dismantle parts of society; in some ways, I think it's a necessary step when wanting to dismantle a totally f-ed up system. So, be angry people. Be very angry. And then, go do something about it.

I'm finishing up a play by T.S. Eliot called The Cocktail Party...and a quotation from it struck me, as I was considering all these issues. It is a line given to the character Celia:

I first must tell you
That I should really like to think there's something wrong with me --
Because, if there isn't, then there's something wrong,
Or at least, very different from what seemed to be,
With the world itself--and that's much more frightening!
That would be terrible. So I'd rather believe
There is something wrong with me, that could be put right.
I'd do anything you told me, to get back to normality.

The Literary Life

2007-04-26T18:32:00.000-07:00

I was looking through the music of John Denver on emusic the other day (don't be a cynic, his voice melts me--I swear, if a guy sweetly and sincerely sang "Annie's Song" to me I think I would fall instantly in love). And I remembered that when I was born (on Christmas Eve) my mom was watching the John Denver and the Muppets Christmas Special in her hospital bed. So I started thinking about how I had a special connection to that soundtrack, and to the music of John Denver, since it was one of the first things I heard when I came onto the earth's scene.

And I thought about a lot of other things in my life--metaphors that I have seen in my story, and that I have used to make sense of my life and to bring texture to my narrative. Like, I treat certain events or facts about my life in a very character-driven literary sense--and then I think about them, and digest them, and see how they fit in and help me make sense of my story and identity. There really isn't any difference (other than the level of investment) in how I look for threads and foreshadowing and symbolism in a novel, and how I look for it in my own life. A few examples are:

I was baptized in the Russian Orthodox Church (OCA), at a small, missionary congregation that met in a room of a mortuary. What a great metaphor of life coming out of death--being baptized in a green, plastic tub in a mortuary! Then there's a lot I could say about the Russian connection, but I'll leave it just at the metaphor of the physical baptism.
I am an only child. This, in a larger sense, is like a foreshadowing or metanarrative of isolation and loneliness. Alone-ness.
My big, loud singing voice that can make grown people weep (and not only because they wish they had earplugs..) that I refuse to share with a larger audience of people (leading worship doesn't count to me, since I don't consider it a performance). It's like a tangible symbol of this general trend I have of having trouble being in the spotlight--especially in a positive way.

I could go on, these are just a few random ones I could think of right off.

At first I thought, "Maybe that's weird to look at my life in such a literary way, and to be seeing all these plot devices in my own life story." Then I thought, it's not like symbolism, foreshadowing, metaphor, and thematic threads were created by novelists--rather, part of the reason novelists use them, and part of the reason they are effective, is that these serendipitous, "literary" moments happen in our lives all the time if we are just open to seeing them. And I wonder how involved God is in the whole thing--like, how much God is setting things up, or using certain "plot points", etc... Anyway, I rather like thinking of life in this literary, narrative way, and I wonder how much God delights in these literary moments, that I find so beautiful and thrilling; and I think about God's role in creating these moments.

Sharing a Poem

2007-04-22T22:07:00.000-07:00

I don't often buy books of poetry, even though I enjoy some poetry a great deal. In all honesty, I think it's because often they're these skinny, little paperback books that cost $15...and it just seems like a rip-off. I know, I know...it's not a rip-off...because it's art that someone poured their time and heart and soul into. But still, I just don't often buy books of poetry. However, I did buy a book of poetry recently: The Trouble With Poetry: And Other Poems by Billy Collins. And I bought it because of one specific poem that moved me so much that I wanted to give my money to support the book. And here is that poem, called Flock. Feel free to buy the book if you feel so moved. :)

It has been calculated that each copy of the
Gutenberg Bible...required the skins of 300 sheep.
-from an article on printing

I can see them squeezed into the holding pen
behind the stone building
where the printing press is housed,

all of them squirming around
to find a little room
and looking so much alike

it would be nearly impossible
to count them,
and there is no telling

which one will carry the news
that the Lord is a shepherd,
one of the few things they already know.

Being Liberal

2007-04-17T20:21:00.000-07:00

I have recently acquired a friend who identifies as an "extreme leftist." Now, depending on the company I'm in I can also look like an "extreme leftist"...but next to my friend I practically look like a conservative. He's literally (and I do mean literally) a card-carrying socialist. And I love his company, and enjoy talking to him about a lot of different things. Though, he definitely presents just one side of the story most of the time. But he presents it persuasively.

Now, one thing I've noticed over time is that it's typically much more fun to be the liberal one in a group, rather than the more conservative one. Like, at my church (which is self-defined as evangelical, and quite conservative) I think I'd probably be considered off-the-charts liberal, but at my seminary (where the faculty, and much of the students, have a pretty strong liberal bent) I came off as staunchly moderate. It's really fun to be the liberal one. Liberals just come off as cooler, you know? Sometimes a conservative comes off as a prudish schoolmarm...always saying who shouldn't be doing what, and wanting to convince everyone they're doing something immoral, and also that they should be white and American and make a lot of money. (Yes, I realize that's a giant stereotype, but it does often seem to come out that way in interactions and debates...) But liberals seem to be about greater acceptance of people, especially people on the margins of our culture, and just seem to be less judgmental in general (except of conservatives, to which the judgment is often patronizing and self-righteous and venomous...but that's for another post).

But one thing I've noticed in my friend, is how easy it is to get bogged down in a self-designation. It's like, once you've declared yourself a "liberal", you have to follow the liberals on every issue--and it's easy to become kind of lazy in figuring things out for yourself (he's not, it just makes me think about that possibility for people). Not that you aren't educated and articulate and aware of the arguments, but at the same time, because you've based your identity on this label, it's easier not to really consider those options outside of your self-designation. And because it's just more fun to be liberal, I think it's easy for me just to not even want to think about those times I am more conservative on certain issues (which is not necessarily frequent, but I don't think it's never either). I don't want to be lazy in my stance-taking, y'know?

And I got in an argument with this guy I know recently, who was trying to say that I wasn't very liberal. His rationale was that it was because I believe in God (and I think also, because I wouldn't sleep with him, but that's another story). And I found myself fighting to defend my designation as a liberal. And after trying for like 20 minutes to prove how damn liberal I am, I finally just thought--why does it matter whether he gives me this designation? And I realized that sometimes it's easy to get caught up in a label, and that it can prevent growth into new and different ways of thinking and being. I don't want to be about a label, I want to be about loving people.

This was underscored when I watched the movie Children of Men over the weekend (which I highly recommend). I won't give away the plot points, but let's just say, some people with a liberal agenda in the movie get really invested in their ideals, and they are so passionate about pushing their ideals, they forget that what it's really all about is the PEOPLE and not the ideals--the ideals are just there to empower and love and serve the people, especially the poor and people who don't have a voice, not the other way around.

I want to try and live that as much as I can, and if it makes me a liberal, fine, and if not, fine.

Street Parking

2007-04-10T22:18:00.000-07:00

In the service of "I don't like to fill my life with any more anger and bitterness than is absolutely necessary", I would like to ask you all a question about something that has been pissing me off like crazy lately. Because, at least then I can find out whether my frustration is justified, or if I'm just being nitpicky and critical.

So here's the thing...though I live in a house, we only have one parking space which is occupied by my roommate. I don't mind, and let her have it, because often street parking is pretty easy to find and I don't mind walking. However...there is a Calvary Chapel very close to our house (don't get me started on what I think about this church theologically/ethically/intellectually/etc.) and they often have meetings where their members overflow their lot and then use the street parking around my house. That's not that big of a deal, they are entitled to it (though, I will say, my visceral dislike of the church probably does affect the level to which I let this get under my skin). But what I find really frustrating is how people park their cars. For example, when there is a driveway, they will pull up so that there's about 3/4 of a car length between the front of their car and the beginning of the driveway--rather than pulling up right to the driveway so the space is efficiently used. It just seems really insensitive. Like, along the curb in front of our house, 4 cars can fit pretty easily if people just park with some consideration of the fact that they are not the only person who may want to park around there. But when these church people (and, to be fair, other people too) come and park, often only TWO cars can fit along that curb. It's as if they purposely try to make the least efficient use of the curb as possible.

I just feel like people need to think more about the fact that there are other people who exist in the world. Is that too much to ask?

Okay. End of rant. All this talk of "efficiency" is making me a little sick with myself...such capitalistic garbage...but still, I am curious to know whether people feel like this is justified frustration, or just silly.

Feeling Lenty

2007-04-07T11:29:00.000-07:00

Thursday morning was a beautiful morning for me. And the thing is, even though I know that using words to describe it will not really work, and will only come off as cheesy; and it also won't even come close to capturing the glory of the morning...I feel compelled to share it anyway.
I was talking to a friend Thursday morning saying that I just wasn't feeling very "lenty" during this season of Lent. Often Lent is really important for me in terms of connecting with God and awakening my spiritual life. This time, I didn't add any practices (I usually add something instead of giving something up), and I just kind of went through the days as usual. But I noticed that the newest Speaking of Faith (NPR's weekly, hour-long show on faith and values; not necessarily Christian, just faiths in general) in my podcast inbox was an Armenian Orthodox man (Vigen Goroian) speaking about "Restoring the Senses: Life, Gardening, and an Orthodox Easter." So, on my morning walk, Vigen and Krista Tippet (the host of the show) accompanied me. For some reason, when they started talking about Easter, and senses, and new life, I almost immediately started crying.
See, I think the problem is, it's very common in the Western Church (and my particular congregation) to focus on Lent and Good Friday and Easter being about our yucky sinfulness and Jesus dying for our sins. And it's not like I don't believe in that at all...but the legalistic way of thinking about this time just doesn't capture me like it used to. It's not a metaphor that resonates with me on a deep level anymore. Partly it's because I just don't feel all this guilt anymore about my sinfulness; so this whole legal transaction way of thinking about the cross and Easter, well, on an emotional level it just rings hollow. HOWEVER...looking at it on other levels, really really speaks to me. Like, looking at the power of God to bring life out of death, both in my individual life and in the world that so desperately needs new life in so many ways. And seeing how the killing of Jesus reveals so much about human brokenness (that we would kill someone like Jesus), and Jesus resurrecting redeems that brokenness. Redemption, New Life, God triumphing over death/evil...the need for those things really resonates with me.
So as I was walking, and listening to Vigen talk about using all of our senses to experience Lent and Easter, I found a kumquat on the ground right on the sidewalk in front of me, even though there was no kumquat tree anywhere I could see. It was a perfect shade of bright orange, and I could squeeze it and smell a lovely citrus smell. It was just such a perfect addition to the love and hope and beauty I was feeling toward the world--and it was awakening my senses. So I just held it and smelled it for a mile or so.

Then I saw this tree--and it was just one of those moments where the beauty of everything was just overwhelming and real. And not in a sappy way. But there's no way to really explain it in words.

So anyway. Now I am more ready for Easter. I'm feeling more "lenty." Thanks to Vigen and to the common, remarkable beauties of God's creation. Happy Easter.

The Future (specifically mine)

2007-03-25T22:07:00.000-07:00

I have once again fallen in love with my students (or, at least a good number of them... ;) ). They are in turns (and often simultaneously) beautiful, hilarious, quirky, vulnerable, sneaky, loving, weird, kind, stubborn, fickle, and very gifted. I love being around them, and I really look forward to seeing them when the weekend is over. It's a great place to be, because as one of my friends has told me, it's who I really am and it's a way I'm really alive. I do love hanging out with people with disabilities. They are my people--whether one specific L'Arche community felt I was a good fit to join them or not. I think I began to doubt myself after that rejection, but my students have reminded me of who God has made me to be. It was hard to get back into this place where I could enjoy where I am, especially after getting my MDiv and watching most of my classmates go and put the degree to (more obviously direct) use in various ministry jobs (ordained and non-ordained). But as time passes, I am becoming really convinced that this is where I needed to be right now, for a number of reasons.

It's always nice to have these moments, especially after enduring a lot of loss and suffering. It makes that whole "trust God" thing a little more doable (for the moment, anyway).

Another good piece of news: I also feel a renewed passion for the kind of work I want to do for my PhD. I was going back and forth, but after reading this post by Chris (aka RegularGoy), I was again empassioned about an academic life discovering and uplifting the gifts people with disabilities bring to our world (and probably also some other people deemed weaker or not given voice in this world), and speaking out on how much our society needs all kinds of people, as well as their right to live a life and to find joy in their own way (i.e., please don't selectively abort people based on what you consider to be a difficult imperfection in their genes). And other related stuff, but you'll have to buy the book to find out. It should be released in about 2012.

I feel happy. And I think this post needs to end with a fun photo of one of my teachers (i.e., one of my students, Jose). How appropriate that he's the one in my imposing glasses. :)

Suffering, Joy, and Connection

2007-03-19T10:51:00.000-07:00

As mentioned in my previous post, my good friend Michelle and I had been talking about what makes us feel more connected to people--sharing in their joys or sharing in their sufferings. Certainly both are really important in getting to know someone, and building an honest relationship with them; but it seems to me like there's a special way that sharing suffering connects people.

I realized how much I believed this when Michelle mentioned that someone she knew connects to people better through their happiness than through suffering. This struck me as very odd. I mean, I can see how you can be happy for someone when they're happy, and enjoy their company and the overall good vibe they're sending out...but to really feel more connected to them by virtue of them sharing their happiness...even more connected than sharing pain...I'll admit it, I'm somewhat skeptical. At the moment, I have two main thoughts about this, that kind of go in different directions.

1) There is this girl I have a really hard time liking. Part of the reason is that she always talks about how utterly happy and content she is. Now, that in itself would not be over-the-top annoying (though, seriously, if someone talked about that all the time, it might be something I'd need a break from). The annoying thing is that I always pick up on a strong undercurrent of sadness from her, whenever I interact with her. So it's like, who are you trying to convince, lady? I mean, maybe that's her coping mechanism or something--we all have them, a mix of some healthy and some unhealthy ones. But the thing with her is, I can't connect to her when she's in her "I'm the most content I've ever been in my life" facade, because it's just not true. I feel so distant from her. But it's not the fact that she says she's happy that keeps us distant, it's that she's lying about how she's doing. And that's the thing, people are (on the whole) much more willing to share their moments of joy, success, happiness, and contentment with others. And that is certainly a good thing--and I think it can forge real closeness and intimacy in relationships...as long as it's true. With her, she recently had something frustrating happen, and then all the suffering that had been just under the surface started spilling out. And I felt so much love and compassion for her--not only because she was suffering, but because she was just being honest, finally, about what was really going on with her. So...one thought is that it's possible to connect with someone deeply through any feeling--as long as that feeling is actually present and what the person is really experiencing.

2) Another thought is that connecting through suffering just is a deeper level of connection. Part of that comes from the reality that it's typically harder to share real wounds, failures, and areas of pain than to share joys and successes. You're putting yourself in a vulnerable position with the person, while at the same time you are in a more vulnerable position more generally because you are in pain. When you're on top of the world, and content about everything...you're less vulnerable, right? I mean, there is nothing you really need that you're not getting, you're doing ok, and you probably feel hopeful. That is a position of strength. But real suffering is a position of weakness (at least, perceived weakness); and I think there's something about the neediness that really opens a person up for greater levels of connection and intimacy.

3) The last thought is just that for real connection to be established, there has to be sharing of both joys and sufferings. I don't know about you, but I always have a good deal of both within me, at any given time. There is never overflowing joy without (at least background) awareness of areas of sorrow. And, there is never overwhelming sorrow without (at least minimal) awareness of areas of joy. Though, of course, there is usually a predominant feeling at the time too, and I guess that's what gets expressed in the typical conversation. It's so much like the cross, you know? It's been coming up a lot in conversation lately (maybe since we're in Lent...), especially the travesty and horror of the cross. It is such a great paradox that the most ugly, horrible, hideous, hateful, senseless, heinous act of brutal violence, is also one of the most beautiful, loving, amazing, compassionate acts of selfless grace. Suffering and joy do exist simultaneously.

Great Good Newses

2007-03-12T22:37:00.000-07:00

I. The sermon went well. I felt comfortable and relaxed, and also felt like the message got across clearly; also that I could be kind of humorous (but not making jokes, just in a way that's natural for my personality) and casual and preach as myself. So, all's well. Of course, it's hard for me to really trust all those people that come up after you preach to tell you how fabulous you are and what a good preacher and how fabulous your sermon was. I just don't really know whether to trust it, because it seems like people say that to all newish preachers just to be encouraging. So, for all I know maybe the content was really awful and the tone of my voice grated on people's ears. But I felt good about it, for all that's worth.

II. A great healing has occurred for my step-father, and it's looking like he doesn't need open-heart surgery at this point. So, he might get to go home in the next couple of days! It's really wonderful news; especially since he's had 2 open heart surgeries already in his life (he was a premie, and has had heart problems since he was a kid).

III. Related to II....that means I'm not going to be traveling to be with my family (until this weekend), and I get to go to Patty Griffin tomorrow night! Soooooooooo excited. I am prepared for my internal world to be rocked.

IV. There are two topics I'm going to mention here, just so I can remember that I want to blog about them in the future. a) My friend Michelle and I were talking about whether we connect more to people through their happiness or through their sadness. I want to explore this, and see the diversity of viewpoints. b) I have a friend (not the aformentioned Michelle, I love you darling) who in the past few times we've hung out has taken every opportunity possible to scrutinize the moral dimensions of every comment I make (even the totally unserious jokey comments)--and then proceeds to try to "challenge" me and teach me all these lessons so I can have a better way of seeing/feeling/viewing things. His moral arrogance and superiority angers me to no end. So, I just want to explore the role for these kinds of moral challenges within a friendship--and how it can be good, and when it can be very very very bad.

when a preacher becomes a caterer.

2007-03-08T22:51:00.000-08:00

Tonight I met with a very kind man who has retired from a lifelong occupation of being a pastor. We were meeting to go over the sermon I'd be delivering at the Lenten service at my church this Sunday evening, and for him to give some feedback. It was a good meeting overall, and I felt like I got a lot of feedback that will be really helpful in making my homily more effective and more well-received. But a few things really struck a chord in me that made me remember why it is I have such strong negative feelings against the insitutional church (on the whole), and especially against how most people in authority within the church view what church should be like and what pastors/preachers should be like.

1. I tell a story in the sermon that took place when one of my best friends (Jose) and I were driving back to California last summer after I graduated from seminary. He mentioned that for some people of his generation, saying that I went on a cross-country road trip with a person of the opposite gender might raise some concerns. And honestly, I think he's right about that. And part of me feels like I should take out the name just to avoid that--because there is no reason to keep them from hearing the message of the sermon based on a minor, insignificant detail. BUT...the other part of me thinks, screw that! Partly, I think, because just this morning I read an (unfortunately protected) post by someone I won't name (since it's protected)--but the gist of it was that the way the church is on issues of sexuality and sexual sin promotes deception and lack of honesty within the community. So I'm like, why don't I go ahead and raise concerns then? If people want to get bogged down in some stupid thing like that, well, then too bad for them. Damn those prudes, anyway! I hate that I have to hide something about myself (especially since Jose and I are just friends). But at the same time, I want to have grace for people in a different generation, and to understand limitations, and not to keep them from hearing the good news I hope to bring. Because I'm preaching for other people, not for myself.

2. My interpretation of the text is not the way people have interpreted it in the past. So, it was suggested to me that I make sure to include the usual interpretation also in the sermon, just so I can tell people what the text is really about. But it's hard, because I honestly don't see that traditional, widely-held interpretation actually IN THE TEXT. In fact, I see evidence against the traditional interpretation in this specific text. But again, if people are going to be put off by that, and get distracted by me not presenting the usual interpretation, I don't want that to happen. It just is hard to me that I can't just be honest about what I see. I know I have to take my listeners into account, and I try to. So I'm going to go look at some commentaries and see if I might be able to be at least open to seeing how the traditional interpretation might work. I want the message to be heard, and I want people to hear whatever God is going to say to them, and I don't want to get in the way. But at the same time I want to be able to honestly be myself. It's a hard balance, and truthfully, I mostly don't want to do it. But I will, because I think it's kind of selfish just to be like "I have to be authentic and true to myself. Who gives a damn if you can receive the message or not!" At the same time, though, I think that the more authentic people can be, the more it frees other people to also be honest and authentic. Argh.

3. In terms of my style, I was told that my level of intensity is too high throughout; that I need to space out my moments of intensity and use them for when I really want them. Also, that people can't handle that level of intensity for too long, so I need to give them a break. Again, back to the question of catering to the people. Certainly some amount of taking into account listeners' limitations is totally valid (for example, when I speak too quickly, it is hard for older people and/or people with hearing impairments to catch what i'm saying. point taken, and needed.); however, sometimes I just want to be like--hey, if they can't handle the intensity, maybe they need to learn to. Maybe it's not me that has to turn it down all the time, but them that have to be willing to rough it out. Because honestly, and maybe it's just because of the types of people I gravitate to and who gravitate to me, I hear way more about how soft and fluffy and devoid of real message sermons are these days, than that they are too intense. I don't know if I've ever heard someone say they wanted the sermon to have LESS intensity. It's like--hey a story! hey, a joke! hey, something from the text! hey, a mostly unrelated anecdote! hey, a loosely related Christiany life lesson! hey, a nice, gentle closer! and it's another sermon that helps people feel satisfied with themselves and their own individualistic, consumeristic faith and relationship with God. That, to me, is not church.

Okay, I'm done with the rant. I just really struggle with this issue--because I realize a lot of people love those sermons with fluffy bunnies and nice morality tales. But does that make it right to preach like that? Yes, the ability of the people to hear a certain message or a certain delivery should play into deciding how to give a sermon. But it should not promote dishonesty or holding back something that needs to be said. So the question about catering to the listeners is...how much should you do it?

XM, Brightness, Need, and Want

2007-03-04T21:34:00.000-08:00

1. I just got XM radio a few days ago. My dad bought it for me in some kind of family deal (since he already has it) and had it shipped up to me. I love it! I do love my iPod, but with that, I always know all the music I'm going to be listening to. But this way, I get to learn new artists and hear new music and be exposed and grow and expand and all of that good stuff. So far I haven't fallen desperately in love with any of the new artists I have heard, but I know that will come soon enough. It is so great!!! And they don't censor any of the bad language, which is nice. I figure, if the artist put it in there, and it's part of the song, I want to hear it! Thank you XM, for letting me hear profanity.

2. My oppressive loneliness (see previous post) has lifted. It's not like anything external really changed, but somehow life has just begun to look bright again, and I feel connected to the people I love and who love me back. It also helps that I had a great weekend hanging out with friends I love and who really know me, and that my feelings for the boy I liked and was painfully obsessing over for the past couple of months have faded away (I knew after just a little while that we were completely incompatible, but I just couldn't let it go, until now. Freedom!). Plus, I got some good exercise in this week. Thank you God for seratonin.

3. I've been working on a sermon this weekend. I'm preaching at a Lenten service at my church this coming Sunday evening. I love love love exegesis, and pouring over a biblical text with markers and highlighters and pencils and making notes and connections and underlining and coming to new revelations through the text about God and life and humanity and myself. There really are few things I love more in the whole world. And the greatest part is that it was this kind of ambiguous text (Luke 4:14-30) that after reading a couple times I was like, what the hell is Jesus talking about here? And that's the best kind--because then I can go in and explore and find and discover and question and realize. It's so so fun. And I feel like I have seen some really cool things in the text, and feel like what that text is saying really matters. And if I'm going to be preaching on it, I guess that's a good place to be. I'm excited!

4. Feel free to send some prayers in the direction of my family. My step-father has been really struggling healthwise lately, and tonight he had a big stroke and was taken by ambulance to the ER. He will likely have open heart surgery (for the 3rd time in his life) this week, and it's risky and I think he's scared (who wouldn't be?). And as an only child, it's a lot of emotional burden on me, which is not shared, so it's kind of rough.

5. In other news...the countdown to Patty Griffin is ON! Next Tuesday night is the concert. Uh oh, I just had a thought. I'm a little anxious that maybe the surgery would be next Tuesday and I'd have to skip the concert. Yes, I know, what a selfish thought...but still, I really hope I don't have to miss the show.

The Little Things

2007-02-28T22:07:00.000-08:00

In times like the one I am in right now, of oppressive, suffocating loneliness, it's good for me to try to be present to and appreciate those little things that make me smile. God is so in the little things, you know? Like today, this brief interaction between one of my students and I, when she first walked in the room this morning. I must have looked like hell or something, after crying on my way to work and just feeling like crap.

Shonshana: Hi Bethany
Me: Good morning, Shonshana
Shonshana: Are you okay?
Me: No
Shonshana: Oh, you're in trouble?
Me: {grinning}

Maybe you have to know her to appreciate this, since she's always getting in trouble for one thing or another. There was just something so endearing about that exchange. I loved that her first response was to assume I had gotten into trouble. It was just so sincere, and sweet, and funny. Thank God for those moments of light.

Limitations

2007-02-21T06:35:00.000-08:00

This is currently the desktop image on my laptop. Of course I find it funny, but also more wise than it seems upon first glance. Just thought I'd share.

Public Service Announcement: Isolation

2007-02-18T21:10:00.001-08:00

Drawing from my conversations with people, it seems clear to me that pretty much everyone struggles with some strong feelings of isolation. I really have lately (I'm also an only child who had a tumultuous family life...kind of lends itself to feelings of deep aloneness that I am constantly having to battle). Our culture also lends itself to that, and I really think it's a profound evil that is running amok in our culture. So this is just a public service announcement to all of us to say: Enough already! Call someone! Initiate! Take a risk!

If almost everyone is feeling isolated, and most everyone struggles with initiating because there's a risk of being hurt and rejected, then no one is ever going to hang out with anyone, and no new relationships and communities are going to be formed. And while I'm not saying that I am the queen of initiating, I do try to reach out to people and to ask people to do things and to try to get to know people. But I often feel like people don't initiate with me as much as I initiate with other people. And it's not that they don't want to hang out with me; because when I suggest it they are all over it. But there are those people who are never initiating, and always just waiting to be approached...and to you people I say: stop slacking and just do it already.

Take this as a potential message straight from our God to you. If you are feeling lonely, don't stare at the phone (or your email inbox or your IM window or your myspace account) waiting for someone to come and rescue you from your isolation. You are not the only one who feels isolated. Pick up the phone and call someone else, who might also be feeling isolated. If you always leave it to someone else to do all the work, that's just not fair. Get off your figurative and literal butt and go love someone already!

End of public service announcement.

4 Things

2007-02-08T22:28:00.000-08:00

1. This has been a pretty great week. My favorite singer (Patty Griffin) came out with a new CD on Tuesday (Children Running Through), and after listening to it for a few days, I'm really starting to enjoy it. At first I was sorely disappointed, but as I've kept listening the songs are growing on me, and I'm starting to feel them more.

2. In fact, based on #1, I finally got myself to go to my church's Gospel Choir practice this week. There's a song on Patty's new CD called "Up to the Mountains (MLK Song)" which is a very inspired by African-American spirituals--and it just called to mind what I love about Black Gospel music. So I put aside all the insecurities that come from jumping into a new group, and the inconvenience of having to drive 30 minutes each way at 8pm on a weeknight, and slapped myself around a little, and kicked my ass over to the choir practice. It was really great. Such a welcoming group of people--just a ragtag group of people from different ages, education levels, economic situations, and races. I've been looking for a kind of "church within a church" since my congregation is on the larger side--and I think I may have found it. I think the people that most resonate with Gospel music (especially people in a church like mine, where it's not the norm of what most of us grew up with) are some really lovely and quirky and interesting folks. These random collections of people really help me see what church and Jesus are about.

3. I find myself kind of sad that Anna Nicole Smith died. I don't really know why, it's not like I'm a huge fan, but I guess I just kind of feel for her since she had a hard life and it ended so soon. And her daughter is now without a mother. I saw her once at my friend's birthday party a few years back, she stopped by with her entourage for a quick drink. She had a strong presence about her. Anyway, may she now have the peace she didn't always have in life.

4. I think it's time for our culture to reclaim the power and beauty in menstruation. We always talk about it as if it's gross or inconvenient or crude--but it's something that virtually all women experience and that symbolizes some of what it means to be a woman. So, women (and sympathizing men), let's be more aware of how we think and talk about menstruation. I'm totally serious.

Falling in love with the person

2007-02-04T07:49:00.000-08:00

Over the past few years I've had a few friends begin to date someone of their same gender. These are friends who, up until that point, had always dated people of the opposite gender. I heard a similar thing from them, that it's not about the gender, it's about the *person*; and they are falling in love with the person, and not the gender. A friend just told me this again on Friday evening, so it has become fresh in my mind.

This sort of makes sense to me, but it sort of doesn't, so I'd love to hear some thoughts about it so I can try to understand what this means to people. Now, putting aside issues of whether homosexuality is a sin (I know I have readers on both sides of the issue, and I don't want this post to become about that in the comments section), I just want to look at this idea of falling in love with the person and not the gender...because it's difficult for me to wrap my head around.

The issue for me is, how can you separate a person from their gender? Is that what this idea is trying to say--that gender is meaningless, and that someone's "personhood" doesn't have a gender at all?

It's really tricky for me to see what this is all about--because on one hand, as someone who has seen definitions and delineations of gender used oppressively and wrongly, I can kind of jive with the idea that a person's gender alone does not tell you anything about their character, personality, or anything like that. But on the other hand, it's also not just incidental. I am a woman, and whether or not I conform to someone else's definition of what that means in terms of my character, I don't feel that my gender is just happenstance. And I guess I feel that if someone was to fall in love with me, I would want my gender to be part of that, not just kind of an incidental side-issue. Like, it would feel weird to me if someone was like, "I am totally in love with you, and the fact that you are a woman is just incidental. If you were still you but a man, I would be in love with that man." I guess the issue of whether I could still be me and a man is also up for debate.

Anyway, I am just trying to make sense of this idea; especially since it has been repeated to me by 3 different people (all women, incidentally). What does it mean to fall in love with the person and not the gender?

Contacts and glasses and men, oh my!

2007-01-28T08:36:00.000-08:00

Okay, so, now the truth will come out a little more. Part of the reason I also wanted to get contacts is because I think sometimes I come off as a little hard or defended, and my intellect is one of the ways I kind of give off that image. And, truthfully, I think this keeps some guys from asking me out or initiating with me, who might otherwise. Not that I would have scads of men banging on my door, because I've just never been that girl; but there would be another one here or there that might feel more comfortable with me and willing to make a move (because he wouldn't fear I would beat him down with my gigantic, spikey brain).

I was talking to a few different (female) friends about this over the weekend, and they all agreed in some ways with this notion: men like women they feel like they can "help" or be useful to in some way; that it somehow makes them feel more manly and competent and valuable.
So, I have a few different thoughts about this:

*First, I go back and forth on whether it's bad for me to want to seem less intellectual to someone (at least upon first meeting them). Because, on one hand, am I hiding a part of myself that's really there, just to please a man? That would be tragic and oppressive and wrong. But on the other hand, if it's something I sometimes use as a defense mechanism, maybe it's good to let other aspects of my personality come through, instead of just the smart/intellectual thing.

*Second, I am deeply DEEPLY opposed to women faking helplessness, or not learning to do things they really could do on their own, just so they can keep their "need" for a man's help alive. I am very self-sufficient in a lot of ways, but at the same time there are lots of vulnerabilities that I have where another person's help, love, and encouragement are like water to a parched throat. We all do need people for something or another, sometimes it's tangible, sometimes not--and the point is not to pretend we are weak in ways we are actually strong, but to be willing to be more open with what our true neediness is. That is what I need to work on, in a big way.

*Third, here are some questions about the whole thing: Is the desire to be "useful" and "helpful" something essential to a man's character, and how God made him to be? Is this desire less pronounced in women (on the whole), and if so, why? Does this attitude of "helpfulness" communicate an implicit hierarchy or patriarchy, or not? Are men as willing to receive help for their needs from women, and is that a problem that can be fixed, or just a reality to live with? Why does this whole mating thing have to be so complicated? Why do competent, smart, capable, thoughtful, strong, Christian men always seem to choose fragile, bland, pretty, small, traditionally girly, trophy wives who do not challenge them? Okay. No need to get personal. No need to come off as bitter--because honestly, I'm not bitter, just more curious at this point about the dynamics. Because I smell a rat in the soup; but don't know what kind of rat it is.

After writing all of this, it's pretty clear that just wearing contacts is not going to get me anywhere. Alas.

Away with you, Specs!

2007-01-22T22:18:00.001-08:00

When I was in seminary, my eyes finally got to the point where I had to wear glasses all the time. I guess it was a combination of aging and all the reading and computering I was doing. And I've been fine with glasses. They are easy, can be funky when I want them to be, and I can see. So, that's good.

These new glasses I have (see picture on the sidebar) are back to my old style--with the bigger, blacker frames. I tried toning it down a bit, but I just like the more dramatic frames better. The problem is, with these bolder frames, I sometimes feel like the glasses define me a little too much. I went walking at Zuma (a beach in Malibu) with my friend Jose over the weekend; and I always take my glasses off to go walking. So I asked him whether he thought I looked better with or without glasses, and even though he likes the glasses, he says that without them I'm more of a blank slate. Whereas sometimes, with the glasses, especially the bold, black frames, some people have said that it can be like my face is saying:

Hey world! Look at me! I'm sooooo intellectual and SMART!

I don't have a problem with that sometimes. But I'd like the option not to have to announce that to the world all the time. So, I am going to look into getting some contacts, just to have the choice.

In the Meantime...

2007-01-11T06:44:00.000-08:00

Since the initial shock of only having 2 years to figure my life out has worn off, I am now kind of grateful for the kick in the butt this has given me. It has begun to shake me out of the dull torpor which has been enslaving me since May. After the L'Arche disappointment I haven't been able to feel excited or passionate about ANYTHING. And anyone who knows me knows that I am a person of great passion and conviction, and to go through 7 months of dullness and lack of enthusiasm was very very very painful and difficult. Basically, I have not been myself since May (and have done some very stupid things that were out of character for me). Only now am I beginning to have some glimmers of hope and excitement and passion for what the future might bring. I am so so grateful for that.

Probably the front-runner is for me to enter a PhD program. I had always thought I would go into a Bible program (though I was still deciding between the Testaments)...but I really hate history and historical criticism (e.g., how many authors does this document have? who is the author? where was it written? when was it written? how many islands was it written on? etc.) and this is more than a small part of most Bible programs I have looked into. So...even though I took no electives in this area in seminary, I am thinking about doing a program in Christian Ethics. This way I can engage issues of how we should live, and the "good life", and stuff that really engages me. Plus, I would be able to really delve into issues surrounding disability and people with disabilities--to advocate for their value, giftedness, role in our society, humanity, etc. This could be really great for me.

And, in the meantime, there are a lot more miserable ways to spend a couple years:

(The student on the right always has that look on her face. Even when she says "I'm happy" she looks like that. She's awesome and hilarious.)

Making Plans.

2007-01-04T17:09:00.000-08:00

When I was in college, one of my InterVarsity staff workers had this magnet on his refrigerator: We Plan, God Laughs. Ah, so true. I don't picture it as a conniving sort of laughter at all...maybe just a little good-humored chuckle, like one I might have as I watch a little child who is still trying to get the hang of tying her shoes. You know, with the loving look in the eyes and the smile of fondness that says, "Oh, you!"

Well, once again my plans have been demolished. As most of you know, I had plans for what I wanted to do after seminary (something that I had been planning to do for about 8 years), and that plan fell through right before graduation. I had no Plan B. So, I returned to teaching special education, at the same special ed high school I had taught at before going to seminary. I knew this was not what I wanted to do for the rest of my life, but I really enjoy the students and figured it would be a good place to recharge and catch my breath as I learn to trust God in a new way, and think about what I might want to do next. But I don't have a full teaching credential, so I had to go through all this rigamarole to get into a University Intern program so I could buy myself 2 years while I finished my preliminary credential. All this time I have thought I only had 2 classes left to take before getting my preliminary credential; and then once I got that, I would buy myself another 5 years until I was supposed to have my full credential. I didn't expect that I would stay in teaching for the next 5 years, but it was a nice security blanket and feeling of safety since I had no idea when I might figure out where I was being called next. So I figured I'd just take those 2 classes, get the preliminary credential, and then forget about taking any more classes (since I don't really have need for a full credential anyway). So I've been feeling pretty relaxed, and not rushed about trying to figure out what the next step might be. And even though I really love my students, I really am not loving teaching in the public school system; but find it to be a good, stable place to be for the meantime. Plus, I love being back in L.A. where most of my really close friends are; and where I've been making some new friends I really enjoy.

But then yesterday, as I went to figure out about something at the university where I'm working on my credential, I found out that instead of 2 I have SIX classes left to take before getting my preliminary credential. Ouch. Bad news. It was going to be hard enough to spend the time, energy, and money on those 2 classes that are not taking me in a direction I want to go...but SIX...I just don't think I can do it. For the next year and a half I'd have to be in school (on top of teaching full-time) and would have to go to school every Saturday next quarter. The total cost would be in the neighborhood of $4,000. And I just don't think I have it in me to do that. I don't think I can sit in class for 4 hours in the evenings twice a week, constantly battle the bureaucracy of a university and a school district full of morons, and shell out money that should be going to my seminary loans--all to keep a job that I don't really want in the first place. I just can't do it.

But there goes the 5 years of decision making time I had. That means I can teach the rest of this year, and one more year before my current credential expires. But if I'm going to go to grad school (phd) then I need to figure that out by the end of this year, so I can start getting the stuff together to apply next year. Geez. I have no clue. And suddenly that nice, leisurely pace of figuring things out is not going to work anymore.

We plan, God laughs. Indeed.

Rose Parade

2007-01-02T19:15:00.000-08:00

So, is it just a California thing, or do you non-CA people know what the Rose Parade is? It's a parade held on New Year's Day every year in Pasadena, home of the Rose Bowl, in the morning before the football game takes place. Unfortunately, I live only a few houses down from one of the streets on the parade route...and people make a BIG deal about watching this parade. People camp out all night and set up lawn chairs and hang out for like 24 hours on the sidewalk somewhere on the parade route to watch it. On New Year's Eve as I was heading to a friend's place, here were a couple scenes of those camping on the parade route (on sidewalks and in medians):

And here are some rules I have for these beautiful people to keep in mind next year:
1) The city of Pasadena is not your personal trash receptacle. Throw it in a f-ing can!

2) Don't put your chairs in the middle of the street before the streets are closed off. Especially on a night where people are coming from alcohol-filled parties...unless you have a death wish, then, feel free.

3) Tell your idiot children NOT to throw tortillas, silly string, and hard, white balls at passing cars. Believe it or not, throwing hard objects forcefully at cars actually dents the cars. Imagine that!

4) People actually live in those houses you're camping near. You don't need to blow that ridiculous air horn all night long.

5) Do not block the parking spaces and driveways of the people whose neighborhoods you are crashing.

6) Never, ever wear USC gear to my neighborhood ever again.

That will be all. Happy New Year!

Let the Creativity Flow

2006-12-29T12:33:00.000-08:00

You know what the enemies of creativity are? Thinking too much about getting it "right" and about what other people will think of the product and about how it measures up to other people's work. Forget all that--just make stuff. It can be so super fun and joyous to create when I have freedom from those oppressive voices.

Last night I had a wonderful time with my friend Jason. I went over to his place with some of the songs I had written, and he played them on the guitar and offered suggestions and new musical arrangements and stuff. It was so great! Because I enjoy writing lyrics, and making up tunes, and I can sing the hell out of some songs, but I am not a good guitar player at all (I know like 10 chords, and for the most part all of my songs have some kind of D-G-A thing going on...). But Jason is awesome, so I would sing the song for him, and he could make up arrangements and say, "Hey, you should repeat that word here" or "This song should just have minimalistic guitar in the background" and stuff like that. It was great! My songs sounded better than I ever thought possible. Really exciting. And I feel comfortable enough with Jason that I didn't worry about being impressive or whether he thought my lyrics were stupid (okay, there were a couple lines he said were stupid, but it didn't bother me) or anything like that. It's so fun just to go with the flow and experiment and try things and feel free.

Then, my roommate and I are wanting to redecorate our living room a bit. One thing this requires is taking the four little art prints we have on the mantle, hanging them somewhere else, and replacing them with one big piece of art. We were discussing which artists we might want to put there, when we had the idea to make one ourselves. We're going to get a big canvas (or something--we have never painted and are extremely open to suggestions) and split it vertically down the middle, and we are each going to do something with one side. AND, we are not going to be able to see the other person's creation until ours is done. So who knows how it will turn out? It's exciting. (If anyone has ideas on what paint to get, how to do this as cheaply as possible, please share.)

Yay for unbridled creativity and freedom.

Today's the Day.

2006-12-24T18:26:00.000-08:00

Daily Devotional Miracle

2006-12-20T08:16:00.000-08:00

For a while, I was really into those daily devotionals--you know, where there's a Scripture text to read for the day, and a little paragraph reflecting on it. In college and after I used that one called "Our Daily Bread" and found that God would often use it to speak to me about exactly what was on my heart. I got my mom into these too, but at her church they offered "Christ in Our Home" instead, so she used that one. (In terms of these daily devotional things, in my experience the best one is the one put out by the Upper Room that I can't remember the name of. I am not a fan of "Our Daily Bread" anymore, but the one my mom reads seems pretty cool.)

Anyway, whenever I come to San Diego to visit my mom (which is where I am now), in the morning we get some coffee, sit in the living room, and she reads me the biblical passage of the day and the reflections from her daily devotional. Also in the one she reads ("Christ in Our Home") there is a line at the end that says "Prayer concern: XXXX" and the XXXX is always some random group of people that is loosely connected to the reflection (e.g., food service workers, gardeners, pastors, people struggling with debt, people who enter dog shows, etc.) So she'll offer some spoken, earnest prayer for them at the end of reading the devotional.

Well, yesterday we didn't do this devotional ritual, because my mom went to have cancer surgery (hence, me being here in San Diego) and we had to leave the house at 4am to go down to the hospital. She had the back corner or her tongue removed (it went well, she's home and recovering).

Anyway, as I wake up this morning and go into the living room, my mom (who cannot speak right now from the surgery) starts gesturing at her devotional book. I walk over to her and she points to the date at the top of the page, and it reads yesterday's date (December 19, 2006). Then she runs her finger to the bottom of the page and it reads: Prayer Concern: Those struggling with cancer.

You go, God.

The Book Above All Books.

2006-12-11T21:44:00.000-08:00

Looking at the title you might think I am talking about the Bible, but I am not. Yes yes yes, the Bible is truly THE book above all books...but there's another book that's just a nanometer below it: The Brothers Karamazov (fyi: the z in Karamazov is pronounced like in zoo, not in Mozart). The thing about this book is that not only is it truly amazing from a literary standpoint (not to mention just gripping and enjoyable), but I am convinced that there is something about reading this book that actually transforms the reader.

I am just beginning to read it for the third time, but in a translation I haven't read before. My roommate (who is a serious translation snob), as well as several major critics and literary folks, contend that the only translation worth reading is the Pevear/Volokhonsky translation. I read their translation of Crime and Punishment over the summer, and it was great. So we'll see how their translation of The Brothers Karamazov stacks up. Bottom line: I am looking forward to seeing how this book shapes me this read-through.

As I read, I might blog in some brief, little sentences that I like. We'll start with a couple lines that I enjoyed from the end of the very first chapter (after describing how Fyodor Pavlovich responded to his first wife's suicide):

In most cases, people, even wicked people, are far more naive and simple-hearted than one generally assumes. And so are we.

How to Pray for Others

2006-12-06T12:46:00.000-08:00

Last night at a meeting of people wanting to talk about how to increase and form deeper community at church, we briefly were on the subject of praying for others (like, during a church service, when people are invited to come up to a designated person/people if they need prayer for something) and it raised an issue that I find both very interesting and difficult to fully decide how to handle: the issue of how the moral/spiritual convictions of the person praying impact what is said and how a person is prayed for (and how they should).

Someone related an incident that occurred during one such prayer time, when a person (who was in a committed relationship with another person of the same gender) came up to him asking him to pray that God would give them a baby. Now, the pray-er has strong convictions that romantic same-sex relationships are wrong, and was opposed to them having a baby. So this person prayed for the situation generally, but not for the specific request of them receiving a baby.

Now, regardless of whether the specific situation above would be something difficult for you to pray for, it made me think that there could be times for any of us when we are asked to pray for something that goes against our deep convictions. Maybe for you it's not issues of sexuality so much as issues of money ("Please pray God helps the escrow on our $5 million vacation home to go through.") or issues of race ("Please pray that our country club stays race-specific, it's becoming really uncomfortable there and I really need it to remain a place where I can feel comfortable and safe in my life.") or whatever. The point is, we all have convictions that would make it difficult for us to pray for certain things...and that in itself is just a reality. It's not good or bad, it just is. The question is how to deal with that.

So, in a situation when a stranger is approaching me for prayer, there are a few things I try to keep in mind:

1) It's not easy to come up and ask a stranger for prayer. In that situation the person often feels vulnerable and is really putting themselves out there to ask for help. They are exposed.
2) I have been hurt in these situations before when I have really wanted prayer for something, and the person instead prayed for the situation on their terms (meaning: they did not pray for what I had asked, and redirected what they thought I should really be praying for). I felt like I wasn't heard; and I felt judged, frustrated, and deeply unaccepted. I felt worse than before I went up there.
3) I am not the gatekeeper of prayers. If someone has a certain desire, request, situation they want to bring before God, is it my job to tell them they cannot? Is it not in the very act of communing with God that we are often making space for God to transform our hearts and our desires?
4) One of my favorite quotations, by CS Lewis, goes like this: We must bring before God what is in us, and not what ought to be in us. In other words, be honest, keep it real. God knows what's in your heart anyway--what's the point of keeping stuff back or putting on a show?
5) God cares deeply about the person, no matter how broken they are, or no matter how silly their request may seem to me. And God takes them very very seriously.

Anyway, I have no answer to this issue. Overall I guess I think that honesty is the best policy. Like, instead of saying I will pray for someone about something and then slyly leaving out the exact thing they asked me to pray for, I would be open to dialoguing with them some more about it. Also, I might ask if they want to express their requests to God, and that I would stand with them as they do it. I don't know, I'm still thinking about this. How would you guys deal w/ it if someone (you don't really know well) asked you to pray for something that you felt was totally misguided?

Advent and Spontaneous Fun

2006-12-03T19:13:00.000-08:00

In case any of you have been DYING for an Advent Devotional Guide, yours truly was asked to write the one for my church. They even put it online for easy access at http://www.hollywoodpres.org/adventdevotion.htm Enjoy.

Advent is such the red-headed stepchild of the church year though, don't you think? People (including me) get all riled up for Lent...but Advent? not so much. It really wasn't until I wrote this guide that I really even began to get a sense of what an important season it could be--not only in my own personal life, but in the lives of communities. There is something powerful about anticipating together, y'know?

Today at Trader Joe's, where my friend and I went after walking around the Rose Bowl (where we saw mounds of trash left from the UCLA/usc game yesterday...GO BRUINS!), we were joking in line about Advent. We were offering entertainment to the other waiters-in-line with our sarcastic hilarity.

Me: Do you want me to buy you one of these Advent calendars?
Friend: Uh, no thanks.
Me: But how can you adequately prepare for the coming of our Lord without a small piece of chocolate for each day?
Friend: That's a good point. Chocolate seems like an excellent way to prepare.
Me: Yes, that's the way Jesus would want us to prepare for his coming into the world.
Lady in next line over: I agree. Chocolate is good. Chocolate with wine is better.
Me: That's true. Let's make an Advent calendar with a bottle of wine for each day.
Lady: And maybe some cheese.
Me: (thinking: c'mon lady? cheese? for Advent? what is wrong with this lady?) Yeah.

I love hilarity at the grocery store/cleaners/Target/etc. Honestly, don't you think common errands like that, when done with lighthearted friends, afford such excellent opportunities for spontaneous fun? I'm all about that. I knew it was over with my last boyfriend when he asked to go to the store with me and I didn't want him to come with me. Laughter and fun in the everyday is so crucial.

There, that's the Advent message of the day.

The Gift of Disillusionment

2006-11-26T19:30:00.000-08:00

(*Note: I want to return to the issue/debate about ordination and whether it's a good thing for the family of God in another post soon. But for now, I'm changing the subject to something that's currently preoccupying my mind.)

Let me start out by saying that I hate the feeling of disillusionment. It is extremely painful, and for an idealist like me, it feels like a HUGE loss (and depending on the area of disillusionment, like my own recent disillusionment with a certain intentional Christian community I wanted to join, it can feel like an actual death of someone I love very much). And I do not deny that grief is real, and it needs time and space and love as it gets worked through.

However, over the past few weeks, as I've been reading Life Together by Bonhoeffer for a second time, I have been wrestling with his idea in the first chapter (though certainly he didn't originate it) that disillusionment is an enormous gift from God. I am no stranger to the reality that at times gifts from God can feel like anything but gifts when I first receive them, though in the end they always prove to be exactly what I need. And even though I still feel the pain and sting of the major disillusionment I experienced several months ago, I am lately more open to truly believing that being disillusioned is a gift. As my girl Lauryn Hill says on her unplugged CD (which I highly recommend, at least as much for the spoken interludes as for the songs), "Fantasy is what people want, but reality is what they need." Amen, sister.

I have always resonated with those biblical verses, especially in the Psalms, where the psalmist says something like "I say to the LORD, 'You are my LORD, I have no good apart from you.'" (16:2) Eventually all things, situations, ideals, and people will disappoint me (time and time again). Everything that is not God will at some point reveal that very fact. And while that can be very disappointing, it's a sting that can lead to a deeper awareness of the real, lasting Goodness and Faithfulness of God. And that really is a gift of unimaginable worth.

Church and Ordination

2006-11-12T21:38:00.000-08:00

[Since this is the blog some people from my old seminary community read, and some who are ordained, please don't take my second comment as something against your call or the work you are doing. It's more about the institution, and the accoutrements of the position, not the legitimate ministry people do as pastors. And feel free to voice your disagreement. :)]

May as well come out with my new viewpoints. I can elaborate more later, if you like. But here are two newish thoughts:

1) The church as an institution is basically dying. A lot of people try to brainstorm ways to "save" the church, or to "breathe new life" into the church. I don't think I care about that anymore. As far as I'm concerned, I think maybe it's better if the church as we know it gets destroyed. We don't worship the church, after all, right? And, new wine needs to be put into new wineskins. In this case, the new wine is the Gospel, which always qualifies as new, and if the Gospel busts the old wineskins, then fine. It's about the wine, not the skin. And if the skin can't handle it, then sayonara. (Dislaimer: This is not to say I don't love the church I am a member of, or think God doesn't work there--but I think we are on the verge of some radical changing, in the Church Universal, and I don't care if the institutional church dies. As long as Jesus is proclaimed and people love each other.)

2) I don't think I believe in ordination anymore. This whole thing of lifting up this certain role in the body of Christ, it just doesn't sit well with me at all. We put this high bar for people in "full-time ministry" (which is what all followers of Jesus are called to be engaged in, I don't care what your "occupation" specifically is)--and really, all Christians need to have a high bar. We shouldn't expect more from people who are "pastors", we should be expecting a LOT from EVERY CHRISTIAN. Yes, certain people in the body have gifts to preach or teach or whatever, but that is not worth putting more stock in than the person who stacks chairs, organizes snacks, calls people to hang out, or whatever. Honestly. And I'm sick of pastors being raised up to this whole other level. Though I'm not currently looking for a call to be ordained, I am certified "ready for a call", and thus "ordainable." This does make me have to think about whether my new position means I cannot in good conscience ever think about being ordained. Something to be pondered.

Reading People

2006-11-06T06:47:00.000-08:00

My friend invited me to this show on Friday night where this woman talks about her "Four Man Plan" way of dating, and gives funny stories, anecdotes, and pearls of wisdom coated in sarcasm. It was definitely entertaining, though I doubt I would practice the plan in my own life in the exact way it's set up. But there were a few things that stuck with me--and this post will just go through one of them.

To give a little background, let me just toot my own horn and say that I'm really incredible at reading people. For a tangible example, when I was in college, my friend Frank and I would play this silly game where we met someone, and after about one minute we asked if I could guess their major. Then I would, and over 90% of the time I would get it right (down to a very specific level; e.g., not just "engineering" but "electrical engineering", etc.), and all would be filled with amazement (okay, on a stupid party trick level of amazement...). I used to play similar games where I would accurately guess how many siblings someone had and where they were in the line-up, and other facts about their family or about how they were in relationships or something like that. But beyond these party tricks, the point is I just have this very strong level of empathy that allows me to be almost kind of psychic about people and to know very quickly what they're about, what they're struggling with, what they're feeling, etc. It really is kind of uncanny.

So now that you know about this, let me just say, this extraordinary ability goes straight to hell in the area of romance. While when meeting a stranger I could tell you lots and lots about them from a very brief interaction, when dealing with men to date, I am rendered completely useless in this area. Is he interested in me? Hell if I know. Does he want to get to know me better? Clueless. Is this a date, or are we firmly in the friend category? {blank stare} Is he attracted to me? No idea. You get the picture. I wish it did carry over though, it would be so useful. Why doesn't it??? Argh.

So, as Cindy Lu said in her show, as the first postulate of her program, I am a living example: YOU SUCK AT LOVE. Alas.

Settling In

2006-11-01T20:52:00.000-08:00

I am happy and grateful to be in my new house. I'm living with one of my best friends in an actual house which is almost unheard of in L.A. (it's tiny and we're renting), and I feel like I'm finally able to get settled down. There is really no substitution for having a tangible place where you can find comfort, rest, and peace. Even though in this world we only get glimpses of what true home is like, those glimpses are really helpful and necessary. Here's my new place:

Then, I had a great time celebrating Halloween with my students yesterday. What a fun holiday, huh? Getting dressed up, strangers giving things to other strangers, all of that. Good times. Here's a shot from my classroom (the new camera phone is being put to good use). Like the hair?

Who Would Jesus Schmooze?

2006-10-19T17:52:00.000-07:00

The issue of the previous post touches part of the core of who I am as a person. My life would be a lot easier if I felt I could look in the mirror at myself after "working a room" or something (in fact, then maybe I'd feel like I could be a "pastor" as the church currently seems to define it). To clarify, this "schmoozing" is something I can do and can do well. I say this because I felt like some people in their comments were saying that they used to not be good at it either, but then they learned how to do it, as if that was the issue of what I was presenting. So just to clarify, ability to schmooze and work a room is not the issue. The issue is that I cannot live with myself after I do that, I feel like a total sell-out.

An aspect of a comment I did appreciate, by GetTheWordOut on my other blog, was that sometimes it can just be about getting to know people and love them. And if that kind of thing can really happen at a certain schmooze-fest, then I guess I'm all for it in that situation. But I am very much against using love and relationships as means to ends--sometimes I feel like we Christians dole out our love and time to get someone to change in some way, and in that way it's a means to an end. But to me, love (real love) is an end in itself. Not that we don't want things for people, but that we don't use our love as a "tool." That idea leaves a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.

So anyway, here's a question, because I think sometimes I (and maybe you, but I don't want to be presumptuous ) have a tendency to make Jesus who I want him to be, looking at the passages that align with my viewpoint, and conveniently neglecting the others. So, going off of the last post, what kind of person do you see Jesus as (and please include any reasoning you have)--someone who schmoozes and works the room to accomplish his goals? or as someone who abhors that? or a mixture? or...?

Let's Talk About Schmoozing

2006-10-12T22:09:00.000-07:00

Here's my hypothesis: There are 2 types of people in the world, 1) people who are comfortable with and feel like there can be some really useful and helpful things about sometimes interacting with others in a kind of "political" way (they might even see this as a valuable type of personal gift or skill), and 2) people who have almost zero tolerance for "political" types of interactions, and have violent delusions involving uzis and grenades when they have to be in these situations.

OK, so maybe there are more than these 2 types (as in, there are several shades of gray in between). But, as you might guess, I am in the second category. And tonight I had to go to a banquet at a club on the 54th floor of a tower downtown and drink Pellegrino and eat scallops wrapped in bacon and salmon and fresh vegetables and chocolate raspberry cake (yeah, I know, hard life)...but a lot of the time I just really felt frustrated there. On one hand I was really grateful for the people there--it was a celebration of scholarship recipients (of which I was one--because of their support I didn't have to take out any loans my 2nd and 3rd years of seminary, which is amazing) and I feel REALLY grateful for the help, and feel like the foundation does a lot of excellent work; so I was glad to celebrate them. But on the other hand, I felt like no one at this event could really be themselves. The recipients had to give the right answers and say the right things to seem worthy of the fellowship, and the people representing the foundation had to play up their philanthropic activities. It just seemed like everyone was selling something and had something to prove.

Afterward I talked with someone about this (not a friend, just an acquaintance I ran into) and, let's just say, he definitely falls into the first category of people. And it was hard because I feel like we each have a strong internal committment to our way of seeing this, and it makes me hopeless that these types can ever really get along together in the world. I honestly don't really trust or respect people in the first category (yes, I think I could grow in this area, God have mercy) and I got a strong feeling that he felt I was naively idealistic and hopelessly lacking "real" people-skills and practicality. The issue is, we define and value "people skills" very VERY differently. He doesn't practice the kinds of people skills I value, and I would rather poke scissors through my thigh than embody the types of people skills he values.

I really don't see a lot of hope for reconciliation here, but I also believe that God is big, and if Jesus can do anything, he can break down these dividing walls. So, which type are you? Do I have to stop reading your blog now? (just kidding)

Observations and Recommendations

2006-10-02T15:29:00.000-07:00

As I was driving to Trader Joe's to get some groceries, I passed by two different businesses that cracked me up by their names. Not so much each name itself, but the visual image that came to my mind when I thought about how their business actually worked. The first was called "New Age Auto Repair." Now, it's just a normal car repair place, but I pictured a guy with hippy hair waving crystals and chanting over a broken engine as their method of car repair. Then I saw a water store called "Alice's Store of Living Water" or something. I was like, wait, is that a Christian bookstore or something? Nope. Just a store that sells drinking water. Living water? Odd.

Also, I want to make a couple of media plugs. One for a movie, and one for a CD.

Movie: Dogville, 1994, by Lars von Trier; starring Nicole Kidman and Paul Bettany. This movie is brutal to watch, honestly. It's very minimalistic (the set is just one big soundstage with the rooms drawn on the ground), but after a few minutes of adjusting to it, I kind of liked the effect that had on the movie. But it's brutal because of the storyline--and everything that happens to the main character (named "Grace"...so, it's not overly subtle in its commentary). It raises some really interesting questions, and I would love for everyone to watch it and send me a message on their thoughts about it.

CD: Illinois (Come on Feel the Illinoise!) by Sufjan Stevens, 2005. My friend Aline bought this CD for me and gave it to me over the weekend, and I am really enjoying it. I like several of the songs, but at this point (after only a few listens through) my favorite song is "Casimir Pulaski Day." It's sad, moving, mellow, tragic, somewhat understated, and everything I love in a song. Check it out.

"Excess ain't rebellion. You're drinking what they're selling." -Cake

God and Pronouns

2006-09-28T06:11:00.000-07:00

I really appreciated everyone who threw their two cents into the ring on the question of what pronouns you use for God and why. There is definitely a diversity of perspectives on the issue, which can be good, when it generates thoughtful dialogue and conversation. This is an important issue to me--both in terms of how we think about God, and about how we think about gender in humanity. So, rather than just jumping into exactly how I choose to refer to God, and why, I will start out by naming a few of the difficulties I see with several of the different options.

1) Using only "He" to refer to God: Yes, Jesus did address God as "Father" which is a masculine title; and Jesus was a man, himself. Using "He" can be supported by these facts, but it neglects some of the other biblical references to God where God is described in female terminology, the fact that in Hebrew and Greek the Holy Spirit is feminine, and the point Rachel brought up (in my other blog) about Genesis 1 and that men and women are both made in the image of God, and that only together can God's image be more fully realized. To me this is a really important point--that God's image is found in both men and women, and when we only use "he" there is a way we are neglecting part of God's very image. And I differ with typhoon5ht, where he said (again, in my other blog) that "In English, "he" is supposed to be used when there is no specificied gender." This was true decades ago, but in the most recent academic literature in every field, he and she are both used when there are no specified genders (because many people realized the inherent masculine preference in only using "he").

2) Using only "She" to refer to God: Again, by choosing one gender preference, we are neglecting something of God. If men and women are both made in God's image, and neither has greater access to being in God's image, neither pronoun should be used exclusively.

3) Not using any pronouns, but always just using "God": This was my preferred method for a while (though it can sound awkward in some phrases). But as I was talking to a close friend about it, she was saying that she felt like it can become impersonal. And I kind of agreed with that. God does seem more personal when we add a gendered pronoun, in a way that I think gives us humans a better sense of God's being close. Not that God is just another human, but when God is always "GOD"....well, it just can seem a little daunting. (which can at times be helpful, but at other times can, I think, be unhelpful.)

4) Switching between the pronouns: Though I think this can be helpful, there is a way that when you switch back and forth too often, instead of adding characteristics and fullness to God, it takes everything related to gender away. It can have some of the repercussions of 3, where some of God's personalness is removed.

Okay, so...more thoughts?

But first...a question.

2006-09-19T22:23:00.000-07:00

I was going to go off about my own views on the following matter, but I decided that first I wanted to throw the question out, to see where people are coming from, and just get some other ideas. Though I come from a decidedly Christian perspective, and will be going at the topic from that worldview, everyone is welcome to throw their hat into the ring (Christian or not). The question is this:

What pronoun(s) do you use for God? Why? And does it matter to you?

Here are some answers, feel free to pick from them, or make up one of your own.

1) I always "He" and I feel strongly this should be the case because God is male.
2) I always use "He" but it's more out of habit/culture/community than because I think God is gendered.
3) I always use "She" and I feel strongly this should be the case because God is female.
4) I always use "She" but it's just to piss off those patriarchal bastards who always use "He," because I don't really think God is gendered.
5) I rotate between "He" and "She" because God is not gendered, but I want to use pronouns when referring to God.
6) I avoid the use of all pronouns when referring to God, and always just reuse the word "God."
7) What the hell are you talking about?
8) You [fill-in-the-blanks] are all alike, always getting bogged down in these meaningless issues when there are poor, needy, and unloved people out there to love and befriend! Stop writing xanga entries about pronouns and get out there and love someone!

A Recent Exchange

2006-09-14T17:54:00.000-07:00

About a week ago, as some coworkers and I were enjoying some happy hour fun after a long work week, the following exchange took place between a coworker and I:

Coworker: Why did you come back to teaching after finishing seminary?
Me: Oh...it's a long story.
Coworker: So, God's not all He's cracked up to be, is that it?
Me: No, that's not it. God is definitely all She's cracked up to be. I just haven't found my niche in the Church.

Teaching.

2006-09-11T21:24:00.000-07:00

As you can see, I have a new picture. No, it's not a drawing of me (tho, the resemblance is uncanny, don't you think? ;)). It's the Syro-Phoenician woman of the Gospels. Gotta love that woman. I decided that if I'm going to write about my new job at all, I better remain anonymous. So, I can't have a picture of myself right next to all my writing!

Anyway, things are off to a very rocky start. After this week, students will be changing periods during the day, which will be better, because I'll have a different group each period. But right now I have the same group all day, and let's just say, they are wonderful people, but a very difficult bunch to teach. And that's the nature of this field, of course; these students just have more extensive needs in terms of learning, socially interacting, and knowing not to hit other students and destroy classroom property. But it can get wearing. It's to the point right now where I'm not even enjoying the job or the students much at all. There have been a few moments where things feel really great, and I enjoy the students, and feel like they are comfortable, and learning, and growing in an awareness of their own beauty and value. So far though, these moments are few and far between. I'm hoping that as I get into the groove (and the students do too), things will go more smoothly and I will feel less like quitting at the end of each day.

How I'm Going to Die

2006-09-05T22:00:00.000-07:00

I bought these shoes to go with this cool retro dress I'm wearing to a wedding in a couple weeks. Problem is, I'm not totally secure walking in them. In fact, as I was walking up to my friend Aline's door yesterday (I had just bought them, and she was helping me practice walking in them), I actually lost my balance, fell, and skinned my knee. Now I have to figure out whether I really should wear them to the wedding...because they are so cute, but I'm also singing in the wedding, and I don't really want to fall face first onto the platform. All this in the name of fashion! Sacre bleu!

Church.

2006-09-03T20:08:00.000-07:00

As I've wandered back into life in L.A., and have started regularly attending my home church again, it has been interesting to come again, and to transition back into the church community after being gone at seminary for three years, and undergoing some spiritual, emotional, and personal transformation during that time.

On one hand there are several things I feel out of synch with -- like that all of the Bible passages are read from the NIV with only masculine language (I am not now, nor will I ever be, a "brother" in Christ to anyone), that often people up front seem to focus only on individual righteousness at the exclusion of communal and public virtue, that "sinners" often seems to refer to those non-Christians that are going to pollute us with all their bad behaviors, that "sin" is only thought of as something you do and not as something we are all in bondage to and needing freedom from, etc. etc. etc.

But there are also lots of things I do like -- a thriving homeless ministry, friends I have known for many years, the support the church gave me through seminary, my own history with the congregation, the great range of diversity (racially, ethnically, economically, socially, etc.) of the congregation, the enthusiastic and vibrant worship singing by the leaders and the congregation, a Sunday school class taught by someone who I look up to as a theological mentor, and an overall feel of laid-backness.

But did you ever notice how you can make a list of all these things about a church, and at the end of the day, it's not necessarily about these things, but about some kind of feeling or impression the Holy Spirit is able to give you through the church? This morning reminded me of that.

As I was sitting in worship, there were so many different people around me, and all of us, in our different ways, were coming together and coming before God to worship. There was a homeless man sitting in front of me with some very strong body odor - but it was also a lovely scent that communicated that we don't have to be clean to come to Jesus. There was a guy behind me who couldn't hold a tune to save his life, but he belted out those praise songs at the top of his lungs. What a sweet sound that was - a sound that communicated passion and freedom to be himself in the community. Then there was the woman in front of me covered in tattoos, who without realizing it greeted me twice during the "give your neighbor a high-five" time, and the man with his young son beside me who was wiggling throughout the whole service.

It was beautiful, and I was reminded why it is that my soul so loves and needs to be a part of this community.

Thanking God

2006-08-31T22:20:00.000-07:00

Today I was exhausted after work, but still had to go to the university where I'm doing my credential work to try to jump through some hoops and check on my application, etc. Every time I go there people are totally unhelpful and unprofessional, so it's not usually my favorite thing to do--but it's a necessity. So today I went, and after sitting in traffic and taking about 30 minutes to go 4 miles, I got to the parking lot where I park and go to the vending machine to buy a daily permit. They are so cheap--only like a buck for a couple hours...but then I realize...I have only 25 cents. So, just as I'm getting totally frustrated, and realizing the office might be closed by the time I get back with the money for the permit, a guy who's leaving asks if I'd like his permit--since it's an all day pass. And I was so grateful, and thanked God profusely. There was no doubt in my mind that it was God helping me out, and providing that person at the right time to bring me some light and a reminder that God is taking care of me. It was really great.

So then I started thinking about how God can seem so odd. I mean, I have been in frustrating situations (and much more frustrating) and there is no deus ex machina that happens that makes everything okay. And I just wonder what kind of weird logic God is using to decide when to work these little miracles on my behalf, and when to let my frustration and pain and sorrow grow. Because those times when the miracle happens aren't always necessarily the times I think I need it the most.

I sometimes wish I could be the one to decide where the miracles need to happen, and where I can do things myself. Because sometimes I feel like God is helping me out with something and I'm like, "Wait, no--this is under control, what I need help with is this thing over here!" But, alas, I am not God. And in the end (and in the beginning, for that matter), even if I sometimes may wish it were otherwise, this is decidedly a good thing.

Back to school...

2006-08-28T23:05:00.000-07:00

So, tomorrow is my first day back at work (teaching high school special ed at a public special ed school, in case anyone isn't up to date). I took a new position this year where instead of having the same students all day long, I'll get a different group every period. It will be fun to try something new, and if I don't like it, I can just go back to the other position. There are some pros and cons to this new job, but here's one of the beautiful and significant pros that helped me make up my mind:

Transition Time

2006-08-26T20:47:00.000-07:00

Tonight is my last night here, before I move back up to L.A. in the morning. Then on Tuesday I report back to school (though the students don't come until next Tuesday--I come early to set up my classroom and go to faculty meetings and stuff). It's funny how even when I feel really good about a decision, and am excited about a new chapter of life, right around this time--right before the actual transition begins--I'm just a complete sobbing wreck. Doubts and questions abound. Such is life.

Prayers and good thoughts and well-wishes of all sorts would be much appreciated. Especially for a good Christian community in L.A. I have lots of friends there, and several really close friends, but no cohesive and regularly gathering community (other than church on Sunday morning). So that's something I'd really like prayers for, if you have a free moment.

And as a reminder to myself, and to anyone else who needs a reminder: God is good.

"Naturally" Feminine and Masculine

2006-08-23T09:34:00.000-07:00

On my other blog, which posts just the same stuff as this one, I typically get a lot more comments from a wider range of people. My post 2 posts ago (something about Pursuing) sparked a little bit of debate about gender roles--there are a couple of more socially conservative (for lack of a better term) folks who occasionally comment on there, so it just raised a couple issues. This post was mainly in response those comments.
--------------------------
My entry about men and women, and whether it's important who does the initiating in a relationship, seems to have sparked a bit of a conversation about gender. This is something the Church has been struggling with since its inception, and continues to be a dividing line. Thank you to everyone who commented, and even though I am about to disagree with some of what was said, know that it's in a spirit of honesty, grace, and just wanting to witness to some of what I have come to believe about gender. One of the questions that I think is vital to beginning a conversation about this is how people come to the conclusion of what is "naturally" feminine or "naturally" masculine.

I assume when Christian people say "naturally" they mean that it is both pre-programmed into our gender's biology, and that it has been programmed by God, our Creator.

Often when I hear Christians engage in this conversation, they do it by observation. They say things like, "Well, men I know are like this..." or "Women usually do this..." and then make the leap to saying that must mean these are our God-given attributes based on our gender. This is just faulty logic, since there are lots of things that could cause women or men to act in a certain way (e.g., the brokenness of our culture, sin, the way the media portrays gender roles, the way the conservative church has lifted out only specific Bible verses that emphasize certain things, etc.) and we can't just assume that because a majority of women or men might act in a certain way, that it is how God ordained us to be. It could actually be a manifestation of brokenness, rather than a beautiful work of the Creator.

I could go on about this all day. We could throw Bible verses back and forth (there are plenty of examples that fly in the face of so-called "traditional" gender roles), and while maybe that would be helpful on some level, I grow tired of doing this. Especially when there are plenty of books out there on both sides of the topic, and if people really wanted the biblical case for one side or the other, it would be easy to find a book that "proves" that side biblically.

So let's just focus on one of the aspects of this that I find frustrating (and that came up in the comments). It is the assertion that women are "naturally" more nurturing than men. This is frustrating to me on a few levels:

1) It doesn't take into account the myriad of ways social convention and power of culture form people's character.
2) It gives men an excuse to not develop a nurturing character, because that's just not what God intended for them (though, let's look at Jesus--he was biologically male, and is one of the most nurturing people in all of Scripture).
3) It creates relationships between women and men where women have to be the emotional centers, instead of it being emotionally equal, where both parties are emotionally aware and mature.

Anyway, I hope this clears up some of what my thoughts on the matter are. Obviously, to go into all of my thoughts on gender and where they come from this would take at least a book. But this is just a little snapshot.

Raising Suspicion

2006-08-21T18:15:00.000-07:00

Less than a week until I'm in L.A.! Can't wait.

On another note, I've been reading a book called The Obesity Myth which I found by accident when I was in the library looking for a book I could use as a mousepad while I was online (their tabletops for some reason render my laser-mouse ineffective). I glanced at it, and it seemed an interesting read, so I checked it out.

The main premise of the book is that people's level of fatness is not really something that affects health as much as we are led to believe. Rather, that people's activity levels and fitness levels are much more important in being healthy. This obviously flies in the face of everything we hear in the media on a daily basis, which is that "obesity" will kill you, and if anyone wants to live a healthy life, they have to be thin. There are some interesting points the book makes to contradict this claim, and while I don't just read a book and buy everything it says--it definitely makes me more skeptical about the way scientific studies are presented in the media, and about how the research is done and who it's done by (and funded by).

Here's the thing that really got me thinking: The weight loss industry is a $50 billion industry...so if it turned out that what really mattered to health was that people lived more active lives (and tried to eat healthfully, without having to be psychotic about it), whether or not this led to any kind of dramatic weight loss for everyone, well, a lot of people would lose a lot of money.

Or, at the very least, people would have to admit that the reason they want to lose weight is not actually about health (if it is indeed true that fitness and healthy living matter far more than weight) but about aesthetics--about wanting to get certain jobs, have certain friends, and fit a certain image. People use the guise of "health" to talk about weight, when that often isn't really what they're talking about at all. Yes, by all means, exercise and eat healthfully--but that doesn't guarantee a slender physique.

Anyway, this is just a friendly reminder for everyone not to believe everything you read or hear in the news. That's not really a new lesson any of us, right? But then, I don't know why I never applied that same hermeneutic of suspicion to the media coverage of America's fatness and the "obesity epidemic." I'm not at all saying everything they say in the media is totally wrong, but when a 50 billion dollar industry is invested in certain beliefs being propagated, I think it's worth being a little skeptical, and trying to hear more than one side of the debate. (It was news to me that there even was a debate.)

Pursuing and Being Pursued

2006-08-17T17:13:00.000-07:00

The countdown is ON!!! 10 days left before I move back to L.A....

Last night I saw Little Miss Sunshine for the second time. I adore that movie. It goes into wide release this weekend. So folks, get on it. (There is bad language if that is something that offends you, just fyi.)

After the movie, my friend (who shall remain nameless) and I were talking about all sorts of different things. One thing she mentioned was a guy who said he's into the "biblical" model of gender roles, and how that was a turn-off. And we talked about how that is so lame, because if you look at the whole Bible, and not just a select 3 sections, you will get a very different perspective than the typical conservative Christian culture definition of gender roles. So we threw around some pro-egalitarian biblical stuff for a while, and talked about how we thought relationships should be organized around who has what gifts, not by who has what biological organs.

That's not the point though.

So after we had this nice pro-equality discussion, she said something about how men need to be the pursuers and show interest initially. And I was like, wait a second! How can we say we are pro-equality, and then turn around and say we can't initiate, and have to wait to have men initiate dating with us? That seems weird, right? But she didn't think it was incongruent at all. But why isn't it?

I LOVE Opinionated People

2006-08-10T17:06:00.000-07:00

Today I feel the need to write how much I love opinionated people. Especially since many times, people with strong opinions (particularly women) are written off as domineering, aggressive, or bitchy (I'm not saying no one ever is this way, but people love to throw around these words when talking about opinionated women, and do so often when it is not fitting). So this is my post honoring all you people, women and men, who have strong convictions and opinions and are not afraid to share those with the world.

I'm not sure this has always been the case, but over the past several years I have found that I especially gravitate toward the loudmouth, opinionated types of people. Before, when I was younger, I didn't enjoy their company as much--mostly because I was still coming into my own, and was intimidated. But as I have become more of myself, and have my own strong opinions and convictions, I love being able to interact with people who can push back and contribute their own side to the dialogue. While I enjoy the company of all types of people, I find that I especially learn from and benefit from friendships where people are willing to express their thoughts and feelings about things. How can I learn to see different viewpoints if people don't stand up and share them? I mean, I can find them out on my own, but I love people who are willing to share. Because it's a risk to step out with your thoughts and feelings--and I salute and applaud the people in my life who are willing to do that.

This is ESPECIALLY true when they disagree with me.

I was talking with CMUG the other weekend, and really appreciated how she was willing to disagree with me, and to push back against my ideas. It gave me stuff to think about, and I just realized how much I love that quality in people--the willingness to have strong opinions and to share them. And my good friends Danny and Rachel in Atlanta--they are some STRONG women. And I have learned so much from them, and I love them.

You might think that interacting with a strong, opinionated person would make me feel squashed, or less able to express my own thoughts and feelings. But the opposite is actually true. (Sure, there are some people like that, but I think it's very possible to be loud and opinionated without being arrogant about it.) Because they freely express themselves, it makes me feel free to express myself too. I am free to be as strong, loud, and adamant as I want to be, and I don't have to worry about them just adopting my opinions to appease me, or making me feel like having strong opinions is a bad characteristic and makes other people feel bad. No way.

So, to all of you out there willing to take risks and believe in things, and then speak out and share your opinions with the world--I salute you. Thank you for putting it out there. Thank you for all I learn because of you expressing your thoughts and opinions. Thank you that you help me feel free to express myself as strongly as I want. Thank you for being the strong women and men God has made you to be.

Question Time!!

2006-08-07T17:55:00.000-07:00

So, here's a question that I've discussed with various people over the years, in various permutations. I want to throw out to the xanga community, just to see what kind of diversity of perspective is out there. So if you're reading this, then state your opinion!!! You can be as detailed or non-specific about your answer as you'd like to be.

Question: Say there is a woman (it could be a man, but it works better as a woman) who is 35 years old and unmarried. She has a very large nose, and really big ears that stick out (even when she tries to cover them with her hair, they stick out a lot), but is a really great person and has good friends and a pretty enjoyable life. However, she really does feel a sense of loneliness for romantic companionship, and wants to get married. But because of her freakish face, no guy will marry her (much less date her). Over the years she has grown to accept herself though, and to even see beauty in how she looks, even though it is not what is conventionally accepted as beautiful. But she also has experienced rejection after rejection, with men always stating her nose and ears as their reasons for not wanting to date her. So, what do you think she should do? I will list a few options:

1) Get plastic surgery on her nose and ears, so that she will be able to find a man who will want to date and marry her. Though they may not have wanted to date her looking how she looked before, she understands the world is broken and needs to fit in if she wants to find love.
2) Say "F them all" and stay the way she is, and decide that it's not worth dating a guy who won't accept her for how she is, or who can't see beyond conventional norms. She can hold out hope for a guy who will accept her, but it is probable she will be waiting for someone who never will come.
3) Marry a sleezy guy who knows what a louse he is, and who thinks she's ugly and wants to hold it against her so he can use her for his needs in life.
4) Create your own option.

Everyone is Disabled

2006-08-03T14:35:00.000-07:00

Yes, most of the time I do not love doctors. For so many reasons, some of which I have written about in the past. Today I had to go get my health forms filled out for the school district, and the doctor I had was a COMPLETE jerk. Now, I'm used to the stereotypes they throw at me, like that I don't exercise and only eat junk. And I'm used to having to say, "No, actually, I exercise almost every day, and try to live pretty healthfully." And I'm used to them not believing me. Whatever. I have learned to stick up for myself. But TODAY was beyond that. Not only did I get those stereotypes thrown at me with gusto, but he totally started devaluing the lives of students with developmental disabilities.
Since I was getting the physical for the district, he asked what kind of teacher I am. I told him I taught special education. He was like, "Oh, the special ed kids." He said that with a tone and look on his face as if he was talking about cow manure. Then he said, "I used to teach special ed, kids that were barely trainable, when I first got out of college." Yes, he said this with the same look of disgust. I think he was expecting me to join him in ribbing on the students with disabilities, and talking about how sad and unbelievably low-functioning they are. Obviously, I did no such thing. I desperately wanted to say, "Well, for the sake of those kids, I'm glad you became a doctor," but I didn't. I just said, "They're good kids. It's a good job."
And it made me realize what I really hate about doctors is how they are obsessed with HEALTH--I mean, that is their job after all, to make people's bodies as healthy as possible. They love bodies that are perfect, healthy, and well-functioning. They can also tolerate bodies that are broken in some respect, as long as they are fixable. But people with disabilities are not in this category--they are going to have limitations in their physical and mental capacities, and will never not be disabled, no matter what the doctor does. So they are not able to see the amazing GIFTS of people with developmental disabilities, because they can never get past the fact that their bodies and minds are "beyond repair."
It makes my heart so sad. What especially disturbs me is the artificial distinction between "people with disabilities" and everyone else. As if there is anyone in this world who is free of limitations and disabilities of their own. We all have gifts, but we are also all broken and flawed, and in profound need of the grace and love of God. But the thing is, people with physical/cognitive disabilities have their disabilities out there in the open, for everyone to see. Whereas people without those types of disabilities can pretend that they are not broken, and that they do not have profound flaws and limitations. And then, these so-called "normal" people can look on people with developmental disabilities with disgust or with a feeling of superiority, when all along they are more disabled than someone with developmental disabilities will ever be.

Open Doors Galore

2006-07-26T14:36:00.000-07:00

So, now that I've decided to go back into teaching special ed, of course today (almost 4 weeks after my interview) I get the offer to be a chaplain in residence at a hospital in the L.A. area (CPE residency, for those who know what that is).

I kind of wish I didn't get it, because then I could be 100% positive that it wasn't what God was calling me to do at this point. I mean, I do feel pretty secure that God is all cool with me teaching special ed--but it just would have been nice if this hospital thing was a no-go, so I knew for sure that it wasn't the right thing.

Is it just me, or as we get older does it become less and less clear what the "right" thing to do is in every situation? At least for me, I feel like the older I get and the more experience I have following Jesus, the more I just have to say, "OK God, you know me well enough to know that I am a thick-headed human. But you also know I want to follow you and love your people and be the person you made me to be in this world. So, I'm just going to step out in all sorts of things that seem like they are good and in line with your love for the world, and trust that you are going to be working, and that if something is really the right or wrong decision you will reveal that in a way that even a thick-headed human like me can understand."

I've been moving away from the whole "there is one perfect path for you and you sure as hell better find it" mentality, and instead focusing on God's power and sovereignty and ability to redeem even our most idiotic acts. I am quite sure that our weakness and neediness for God's help in all things does not come as a surprise to God...

Keeping Up with the Tags

2006-07-24T13:18:00.000-07:00

OK, I have 2 tags I need to take care of. So instead of just continually putting them on the backburner, I'll do them now. And I'm not going to tag someone else--just figure if you want to be tagged, consider yourself tagged. Feel free to post a comment w/ your responses, or in your own blog. Whatever, I'm flexible with rules.

First, my old-school IV brotha Eman tagged me to say 6 interesting/unique/weird/etc. things about myself. Here goes...

1) Starting about 7 or 8 months ago, I began cutting my own hair.

2) On this same note, a while ago I also started to make my own earrings.

3) Showering is one of my favorite things to do. I love being in water.

4) I come from a line of bakers. My grandfather had a bakery in Chicago, his family had one in Hungary, and on down the line. And yes, I do bake some bad-ass bread.

5) I can probably sing louder than almost anyone you know. Depending on the person and the situation, this can or cannot be a good thing.

6) Though I live quite simply in most aspects of life, I have very expensive and particular tastes when it comes to shoes and backpacks (not purses, just backpacks).

And here's the other tag, from Lisa: List seven songs you are into right now. No matter what the genre, whether they have words, or even if they're not any good, but they must be songs you're really enjoying now.// Here are mine, in no particular order.

1. Buildings and Bridges by Ani DiFranco
2. Annie's Song by John Denver
3. Short Skirt/Long Jacket by Cake
4. I Am Not My Hair by India.Arie
5. Florida by Patty Griffin
6. Killing in the Name by Rage Against the Machine

Turkey Twins Strike Again!

2006-07-20T18:55:00.000-07:00

I told my friend stephaniecapell I would blog about our little experience today, just because it was kind of odd and funny.

So we went to have some delicious sushi at this place at the mall (okay all you haters, yes there can actually be tasty sushi at the mall). It was some good stuff. Then we decided to walk off some of said sushi by just taking a couple laps up and down the mall shops. When we were almost back to our cars, we were approached by 2 men wearing white polos and carrying clip-boards.

One of the men was in his 50s and had some pretty severe cerebral palsy on his left side that affected his movement. The other guy was really young...like maybe 16, and was just really quiet. They were very friendly, and an interesting duo. The conversation went like this:

Older guy: Hey, here are two nice girls, do you guys want to give us your opinion?
Us: (looking at each other apprehensively) Uh...ok.
OG: Do you guys ever eat sliced turkey? How old are you?

Blah blah blah, on from here. So then they tell us to follow them. We just kind of look at each other apprehensively again. And then we go down this dark alley... OK, not really, we just walked down to their office. And we sit down, I answer some questions about my turkey eating habits, and they give me 2 packages of sliced turkey meat to take home. (Sadly, Steph is an elderly woman, and since she is 2 years older than me they had already filled up the old lady age category. HA! Just kidding, love ya friend.)

As we were walking out, me with turkey in hand, I felt like we had just been in a David Lynch movie. So many characters in this world. Isn't this world such an interesting place?

*As a final sidenote, it is looking like I'm going to be able to get through the school district bureaucracy and start teaching again. Perhaps even at the same Special Ed school I was at before. I am really pleased with that; and will talk about this in detail sometime soon.

A taste of the random.

2006-07-17T14:29:00.000-07:00

1. It is not the easiest thing to walk down a lot of stairs wearing flip-flops and carrying stuff in your arms.

2. Who is down with the Green Machine? (as in, Naked Juice's Green Machine.) I am loving it--it has broccoli, garlic, algae, wheatgrass...and it's delicious! What more could you ask for? Except for the fact that it costs $3 for a bottle. That makes it a rare little booster.

3. The new plan (always open to revision) is to go ahead and try to teach again and also finish my teaching credential in special ed. That will always give me something to fall back on if I'm ever in-between jobs; oh yeah, and also I love it.

4. I realized anew lately that the only reason I went to seminary was so I could be a pastoral minister in a L'Arche community. No wonder I'm not falling all over myself trying to find a parish ministry job. Plus, if I'm just going to be starting a PhD program in a few years, what's the point of it?

5. Aforementioned PhD program requires that I know German. (It actually requires that I know 5 languages, not counting English, but I have the Greek and Hebrew under control, and the others I can learn in the program.) Any ideas on how to best learn a foreign language? Community college? Private tutor? Working through books on my own? Any ideas, especially if you did them yourself, would be appreciated.

6. Yes, I'm still reading Crime and Punishment. About 2/3 of the way through. I am really enjoying it. It's no Brothers Karamazov, but it's still a wonderful book.

Where's the love?

2006-07-14T11:39:00.000-07:00

Sometimes there is hostility out there that makes no sense to me. For example, as I was looking through the jobs and rentals on craigslist, I briefly wandered into the little personal ads section. In some ways this was against my better judgment, because I have looked there before and talked to my friends about it, and we agree that it is mostly just depressing and lonely and sad. But anyway, I was there, and found all these very angry, hateful, and mean-spirited messages written about BBW.

For those not "in the know," the acronym BBW stands for "Big Beautiful Women." It is a term that packs in it both empowerment and subversion, in a culture that says: only thin women are beautiful, and fat women should be ashamed of themselves and see themselves totally repulsive, unattractive, and ugly.

I mean, who really would care about this term BBW, right? Sure, people might say their problem with weight is really about health; but there are plenty of thin people who never exercise and are unhealthy, and no one's giving them a hard time. So let's be honest with ourselves, shall we? And if someone isn't attracted to big women, who really cares, but do you really have to try to write things to make big women feel bad about themselves? As if it isn't easy enough in this country, for all women to feel bad about themselves. Can't you just let people live with different aesthetic preferences than you, and just let it go? What the F is the point of being such a jackass? I just don't get why there is such hostility and a need to belittle big women. Here are some of the posts of the big a-holes on craigslist. (There are a lot more, but this is just a sampling.) Tell me if you have a theory for why people feel the need to write these things. I mean, fine, if you want to say "Hey, I only date big women" then whatever. It's your perogative. But why be mean? I can't for the life of me figure out why there would be such hostility about this...

"Reverse Psychology: I want a big gal. Not just "I've a few pounds to loose(sic)", or size 18+ on a good day, BBW, Jenny Craig's new campaign gal or even circus fat lady large. I want to hear thighs squeaking when you walk. I want to see you leave footprints in dry cement. I want the Earth to slow its rotation when you stand. How about time to break down the wall and use a forklift to cart you over to ICU big! "

"Translation of Women's dating ads: # BBW - Grossly, morbidly obese (Bring Burgers With)"

"BBW: the ultimate oxymoron"

"A thought to ponder; One of those BBW women might take a guy who can only f**k like you do because their choices are somewhat limited."

"I'm athletic, fit and attractive but by no means a gym rat or a granola, so will pass on the BBW thing...Other than that, pretty open minded." (So I guess he's open to drug addicts, serial killers, or gold-diggers, but for heaven's sake, be a THIN serial killer!)

"I'm tired of dating hot chicks. They are never happy and expect the world. I want a really ugly women or a fat one or both. I don't care if you weigh as much as a truck or if your face is so ugly that dogs are afraid of you. I'll be waiting for you're reply."

"I like athletic girls, weight lifting girls, petite girls, tall girls, pudgy girls, albino girls.. I do not however like fat girls."

"If you are BBW be glad if any guy wants to date you. U dont deserve to have any standards. No guy even watns to be seen with you, and if he is you should take him up on the offer since you are so fat and ugly and hez doing you a favor."

Hello

2006-07-07T16:28:00.000-07:00

Just a little note to say:

Yes, I am still on the face of this earth.

taking myself too seriously

2006-06-22T20:04:00.000-07:00

So, over the past month, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what exactly I would like to do with my life right now. There are several options of things I could pursue--pastor in a church, chaplaincy, CPE units, etc., and I've basically been driving myself crazy trying to figure out which of them (if any) I really want to go after, or what it is that I want to do. My long term plan is to get my PhD in biblical studies (probably OT), and then my super awesome dream is to start a new kind of seminary with two of my best friends (members of the inner sanctum of my life) Micah and Aline. So far they are open to entertaining the idea, with the stipulations that 1) we not give grades, and 2) it be located in a warm climate. But that's a ways in the future, and only Micah is actually currently in a PhD program...so we'll have to wait and see about that. But a girl can dream.

So as I've been brooding (no, it's not too strong a word) over what the hell I'm going to do with my life, and whether there is anything I can do with an MDiv that I actually would like to do, I have realized how self-centered this process is. It's a really tricky line between focusing on finding a line of work where I can use my gifts for the good of humanity and the Kingdom, and realizing that the real stuff of Christianity can be lived out in beautiful, radical, and authentic ways in all sorts of different occupations. I think I have gotten caught up in the former--as if I am just so fabulous that the whole world will lose out if I don't use my gifts in the right way. Sometimes I just take myself too seriously.

I'm just trying to walk that tricky line between taking my life seriously as something to be a good steward of, and at the same time not taking my life that seriously since I know God is above all things--and I'm not doing too well at it. It's really this period of decision that is hard. I feel like once someone gets a job, no matter what it is, the question is then how to do that job in a Christianly sort of way. But it's this preliminary choosing piece that's just taking me over the edge. For some reason I just feel like I have to find this perfect position where the greatest amount of my gifts will be used with the greatest output, and that will challenge me to grow in the most ways. It's like some holy career equation where I need to find the threshold of gift utilization.

But then I think again about what Christianity is about--cups of cold water for people who are thirsty, welcoming the stranger, caring for the orphan and the widow...the last being first, and I realize that maybe my perspective needs to change. As I consider things to do though, it's hard to fight against the feeling that I must put my MDiv to use, and that's exacerbated by the fact that most of the people around me also think I must put it to use. Otherwise, it's a waste, right? But I do keep thinking that God's ways are not like human ways, and just because God calls someone to go through seminary does not necessarily mean they have to "use it" in some kind of conventional way. It's a hard lie to fight, though.

People and Beads

2006-06-15T15:06:00.000-07:00

When I left Atlanta, I asked some of the people who were important in my life while I was there if they would give me a bead. (I didn't get a chance to tell everyone, so if you would like to contribute a bead, and I didn't mention it to you, I would love it!) I wanted a tangible representation of some of my relationships there, and something I could take with me and hold in my hands and look at as the years go by. This is the result (so far!):

It's just nice to have tangible things sometimes. I mean, memories are great and all, but sometimes it's just nice to have something you can touch.

Hope.

2006-06-12T14:28:00.000-07:00

It's been a few weeks. Rather than make myself feel sickeningly self-indulgent by typing every single thought I've had over the past few weeks, I'll just mention a couple kind of broad places my mind has been going lately. And in terms of specifics, yes I am in California, and yes I am still undecided as to what the next step in my life is going to be. I'm meeting with my Presbytery in about 2 weeks so they can (hopefully) certify me as ready to look for a call (if that's what God and I decide to do with my life). I had to write a sermon and exegesis paper (on a passage of my choice) and a 1 page statement of faith, and turned them in last Friday. So, now I'm a little more free.

One thing I've been thinking about a is Hope. Since not "getting in" to the L'Arche community in Seattle, I have basically had no hopes for anything. (I actually am, in hindsight, glad I didn't end up in that community. But the real disillusionment with L'Arche in general has been what I have been taking really hard and what has been very disappointing for me.) I think I am too afraid to hope, and am in self-protection mode. And I know that ideally my hope is not based on anything but Jesus (can't you hear the song? My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness...), but I think most people would be lying if they didn't admit that their hope was somehow influenced by the various things that happen in their lives.

And while I do agree that the only sure thing we can put our hope in is God, I have been thinking a lot about what the good is of hoping for things on earth--like for our own dreams, desires, etc. I mean, everyone does it, either for a spouse, healthy children, a job they want, how they want their ministry to grow, whatever. And at a time when my own hopes for my future have become nonexistent, I have felt that was a bad thing, and that it would be good when over time I began to hope for these things again.

But last week I went to lunch with a friend of mine who is now doing her post-doc work on a Reservation in rural Wyoming, and we talked a little about this hope thing, and her take on it was different than mine. To her, not being overly hopeful for specific life events is part of the process of maturing. That as you just experience more in the world, you realize that everything is going to be a mixture of things you like, and things you don't, of hard things/easy things, etc. So you are just more realistic as you approach things, and you don't pin all your hopes on one specific job/person/plan/etc.

There is something really true about that--because the longer I live I see that what I hope for and what is really good for me are not necessarily the same. And at times I have had a clear view of the reality that when I haven't gotten what I wanted, and was pissed at God, it was really the best thing in the end. But then other times, that's less clear.

So I guess the main question I'm wrestling with is, Is it good to make plans and have hopes and dreams for your future? And if so, how much should you really hope in them? It seems like, with God, I have to hold all of my own purposes loosely--no matter how good and in line with the values of the Kingdom I think they are, because (and I think this is the bottom line) I just don't dream as big or as well as God. So is it a good thing for me to have no hopes about my life? Is that a manifestation of holding my purposes with open hands? Or, is it a manifestation of cynicism and a brokenness born in disappointment? Or maybe both? I guess there is a real invitation here for me to place my trust in Jesus alone in a new way. That's the upside.

A Few Things...

2006-05-26T20:13:00.000-07:00

1) About graduation...the awards were announced out loud during the ceremony. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, but it was just kind of funny to sit through that part of the ceremony. I did get an award, which was kind of funny. It was a fellowship to go on to pursue PhD work. Several members of the faculty came afterwards to explain that the award was meant to affirm gifts they saw in me, and that the true intention was to celebrate those gifts. One of the faculty even said, "You received that award so graciously." I was thinking, what was I going to do? Jump up and down and renounce the whole system? That just didn't seem right. And, in the end, I am grateful for the award and know that the money will be useful (if and when I begin PhD work). Can I be grateful for the award, and still not believe in the whole system of awards? Because that's how I feel.

2) I arrived home yesterday evening after 4 days of being on the road. Overall it was a really fun trip. Jose and I had a good time together, didn't fight, listened to some good music and ate some good food. The first night we stayed in Memphis, TN, second night Elk City, OK, and 3rd night Flagstaff, AZ. We drove about 2,300 miles total.

3) I'm not loving the fact that I've moved back into my old room during this transitional period. I haven't lived at home for 11 years, so it's hard not to feel like I'm taking a huge step backward. Anticipate future entries on this phenomenon.

4) I finally joined eharmony. Look out world.

5) Also anticipate future entries on what the heck Christianity is supposed to look like in suburbia. That is something I've been thinking about both as I've moved back to suburbia (with all the numbness and comfort that entails), and as I think about what type of church I'd want to potentially be a pastor in.

6) What better thing is there for me to do than apply to work at Fry's Electronics while I figure out what I'm going to do with my life?

Goodbye Georgia

2006-05-21T21:53:00.000-07:00

This will be the final entry sent from my little monastic cell at Columbia Seminary in Decatur, GA. Tomorrow morning I'm heading out of town and back to Southern California.

I must say, it's a very weird thing, to see this room I have lived in for three years empty and with all of my belongings in garbage bags...weird. And today, and then especially tonight, were all of my really really hard goodbyes. There are definitely some things (and a few people) I will miss here. It's hard not to get a little nostalgic as I'm leaving.

But, it's time to move on. Time to get goin'. What lies ahead I have no way of knowin'.

(First one to name the artist and song of that last line gets an affirming comment on their blog! And, no cheating and googling the lyrics.)

Next entry will be from another place...

It's almost time...

2006-05-18T19:59:00.000-07:00

My mom and uncle got into town tonight. Jose gets here in the morning (6:39am...he's taking the red-eye from L.A....sucks to be him!). It looks like it's all actually going to happen.

Yes, friends, come Saturday at 11:30am Eastern Time I will have my MDiv. I guess it was worth spending 3 years in the South if at the end I will have mastered divinity.

I Hang My Head in Shame

2006-05-16T18:48:00.000-07:00

I got my final grade report today, and I'm pleased to say I didn't fail any of my classes this semester. So I will indeed be graduating on Saturday, as scheduled. (No, there was not any real doubt...but it's always nice to have the paper in your hand...)

Also, I put my small refrigerator up on craigslist today in the free section. I got like 20 emails in the span of about an hour. And I think people could tell that it was going to get high response, because some of the people were pleading their case to me. Many of them just said "Hey, I'm interested, is it still available?" But some said more. Here are some of the statements I thought were funny, or noteworthy:

-"I would like to have one in my apt. May I have the address and pick it?"
-"I am very interested intaking it off your hands."
-labeled as "from nursing mom": "I am a nursing mom and this will be very helpful to put in my room, so I don't need to keep going up and down stairs after I pump to refrig and breast milk in the middle of night."
-"I would love this for my daughter. She has been wanting a little fridge for quite some time."
-"I'd like to give it to my wife, she is a school teacher and wants a fridge like this."

As you can see, some good cases were made. It actually made me wonder a little bit whether people just make up good stories so they can get the free stuff. So, call me a horrible person, and a personal affront to nursing mothers, little daughters, and teachers everywhere, but this was the email that persuaded me, and the person who will be getting the refrigerator:

"I am interested in your small refrigerator. I'll even offer you $20 for it."

Yes. I truly suck. I am a sell-out.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

2006-05-15T11:58:00.000-07:00

I am leaving Atlanta and starting my drive back to California one week from today!! YAY! Yes I will miss a few people here, but I am so SO ready to get the heck out of here.

Transitional times can be so confusing. And while I do trust that God is in this with me, and there is no real need for me to worry about my future, it's really hard not to. As I'm figuring out what the next step will be, there are lots of options, lots of questions, and very few answers. And depending on what I choose, there are certain things I'm losing and certain things I'm gaining. It's just hard to figure this out. Here are some of the options, and some of the plusses and minuses.

-Moving in with my mom and step-dad and just getting some kind of real full-time highish paying job (like teaching special ed again). Pros: No rent, and can pay off student loans. Comfortable. Home. Get to spend time with my family. Cons: It's still a 2 hour drive from where the majority of my close friends are (L.A.). It feels like a real step backwards. It will be hard to be around my family all the time.

-Getting a place in L.A. and getting some highish paying job there. Pros: Close to my friends and will get to see them often. I enjoy living in L.A. Get to live alone and do what I want. Cons: High rent will keep me from being able to pay off my loans very quickly. Sometimes the image-consciousness of L.A. wears on me.

-Just spending a few months w/ my parents, getting some kind of retail job or something, and looking for a permanent sort of ministry-related job anywhere in the country (except the South). Pros: Gives me a nice little break. I will actually be looking to do something to put my MDiv to use. It's a more permanent move, rather than just taking a year off. I won't feel as much like I'm wasting time. Cons: Just when I start getting back into the groove w/ my inner sanctum of friends again, I'll be leaving. These past 3 years have been very dry for me relationally, and I don't want to take the chance that I'll just go into another situation like that when I move somewhere new. I won't get to rack up all sorts of money to pay off my student loans.

-Spending a year doing something to make money, and getting ready to do PhD work in Old Testament.

It's a question of priorities. What matters more: getting to spend time with the people I love the most in the world, or working in my field I just spent 3 years studying for? What matters more: getting my loans paid off and then being free from debt, or doing a job that I find most meaningful even if it takes 10 years to pay off my loans? Do I want to do PhD work? Do I have to do it soon? etc. etc. etc.

So many questions. No answers. I really need to spend some time praying right now. I need to remember that: Efficiency isn't the most important thing in the world. God doesn't always work in a linear way. Sometimes I may think I'm "wasting" time, when really there is a lot of work God may be doing below the surface (I learn this lesson from flower bulbs and (shoutout to Brian) popcorn kernels). No matter what path I take, there will be some things gained and some things lost. I have to trust that God is working in this. Not easy.

Miracles

2006-05-10T06:28:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking some about miracles, and what they look like in our context. And yes, I realize that things still happen like people get miraculous physical healing (I have witnessed this) and the other typical things people think of when they think of "miracles."

But I've also been thinking, that in our culture, there are some other things that should be considered miracles too. Like, when a wealthy person chooses to give a lot of their money away to people who need it more, and to live simply. That's a miracle. Or when someone loves one of their enemies, or someone on the margins. That is a miracle too. Or when someone chooses to take a pause in their very hurried schedule to listen to someone who needs a kind ear. That's a miracle. Or when anyone does any act out of love for Jesus and their neighbor. Are you kidding me? In this country where it's so easy (and rewarded) to be selfish, materialistic, individualistic, and comfortable--I feel like when people are willing to step out of that because of a deeper conviction to love God and neighbor, that seems like a miracle of God.

Maybe you don't like this expanded definition of a miracle. Maybe it's not sparkly or flashy enough. But more and more I've been realizing that there is so much power in the small things. And I think Jesus knew that. I think he knew that in small, everyday acts of love, there was a TON of power, and whole bad systems of injustice could be subverted. I like to consider genuinely caring for the people God puts around me my main current contribution to subverting the empire.

Anyway, there was a small miracle yesterday. I took my car in to the mechanic at the dealer (yeah, I know, selling out to The Man)--but anyway, the brakes squeak a bit, and when my car gets around 55-65 mph it kind of shakes. And, since in less than two weeks (HOORAY!) I will be driving with my friend Jose back to California, I figured I should make sure we wouldn't break down halfway through Oklahoma. In the end, the dealer said I didn't need anything done on my car. He was honest. He didn't have to be, I wouldn't have known the difference. And say what you will about how maybe his honesty is just a business tactic. Maybe so. But maybe it's also an act of integrity in a world where dishonesty often wins the day. Maybe it's a small act of subverting the power of accumulation in this world. Maybe it's a little miracle of God.

Limits of Empathy

2006-05-04T21:59:00.000-07:00

As I'm in this time of great personal, spatial, vocational, and logistical transition, it's got me thinking about...well, quite a lot of things.

One thing it made me think about is something that used to boggle my mind when I was a child (and still does, in a way). One day, as I was riding in the car with my parents, I noticed all the other people around in the other cars. And it wasn't like I just glanced at them, I really saw them. And I started thinking about what a big place the world is. I thought about how just like I had a family, people I liked, disliked, struggles, passions, etc., so did all the other people I was seeing. Hundreds of people, hundreds of lives, were just flying by as I sat in the back seat of our Honda Civic. And that realization just overwhelmed me. There were so many people, lives, dreams, hopes, emotions, and pains that I would never even know about. But they were there. They were everywhere; and they were REAL.

And it made me start thinking that it's really easy to get so stuck in my own world that the things going on for other people stop seeming real. And maybe that's okay sometimes. I mean, for people who have a strong empathic streak, it really wears you out to be noticing and entering into people's real feelings with them all the time. And that means that I sometimes will (and do) minimize other people's struggles and experiences of profound suffering, just as it's happening to me now.

So many people talked to me today about something or other that they were struggling with. And I could feel that it was something big for them. But I just couldn't find it in myself to really see the magnitude of their struggle, because my own is big enough for me to handle right now. There are tons of people in my class who don't know what they're doing after graduation, and for each of us it is a really big deal. But I can't feel the magnitude of that for everyone, even thought I almost feel like I should be able to, because their anguish is so real. I feel it for the people I am close to, and maybe that's enough. Maybe that's all anyone can really do.

I guess it's just that overwhelming sense again, from my childhood, that there are so many lives and emotions going by, and I will never know them. Maybe this makes no sense, but it really kind of boggles my mind.

How are you?

2006-04-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

Time and again, as I've talked to international students here, one of the things they always comment on is how odd it is that we use the question, "How are you?" as a common greeting. They relate the travails they have expereinced learning that it's not actually a legitimate question. They say things like, "At first I would actually start to tell the person how I was doing, but I noticed they just kept walking past me. So I figured out that they didn't really want to know."

We had a Kenyan student here a couple years ago who seemed to misunderstand the whole greeting thing, but after I thought about it, it shed some light on this "how are you doing?" charade. This is how our greeting each other would go:

Me: Hey there Hezekiah!
Him: Good! Good!

He had obviously heard the oft repeated salutations:

Person 1: Hey, how are you?
Person 2: Good, and you?
Person 1: Good.

I mean, may as well skip the whole "How are you?" part, since it's just a bunch of BS anyway. Seriously, it bothers me sometimes. Maybe it bothers me more when I really actually want someone to care how I'm doing, and all I get are these empty greetings that semantically seem to offer some care, but are just hollow salutations.

I personally try to never ask that question unless I actually am willing to break my stride and show that I am actually open to a real answer. And for a while I refused to answer that question dishonestly. No, I didn't give each person a run-down of my entire emotional state, but I would either simply nod and not verbally answer or I would answer with a verb rather than an emotional state. Example:

Person: Hey Bethany, how are you?
Me: Just going to check my mail. Have a good day!

This worked for a while, but then a few people began to pick up that I wasn't actually giving the right response. They would say, "That's what you're doing, not how you are!" (As if I was oblivious to this.)

Maybe you're all thinking: "Oh gosh, Bethany. Does it really matter? It's just a formality of everyday life that doesn't mean anything. Stop blowing it out of proportion." But yes. It does mean something to me. And I really would like to figure out how to somehow get out of the linguistic habit of saying things out of politeness that I don't really mean. And I would like to figure out how to be honest in answering without having to blow someone off, tell them how I actually am, or piss them off by deconstructing what is just a normal social nicety.

The Question Game!

2006-04-24T08:20:00.001-07:00

From stephaniecapell:

1. How do you plan to celebrate getting the MDiv?

Hm. This is a good question...I haven't really planned any specific kind of ritual or anything. One of my best friends, Jose, is coming out from L.A. for graduation weekend, and then he will be accompanying me on the drive back to the west coast--and that is going to be a wild celebration of a time! And then there's the usual things like lunch with the family, etc. There will also be a reception at my mom's house in SD county sometime this summer, to which all of you California folks will be invited.

2. Why do you like Patty Griffin so much? Also, what other singer is she similar to, if applicable?

As I sit here listening to her sing the song "Long Ride Home," finding the answer to that question is both easy and difficult. It's like answering the question "Why do you love this person?" You can name a whole list of things you love about them, but the bottom line is the answer is deeper and more mysterious than anything you can name. That said, I'll name a few things I do love about her. Her songs are often really, really sad--and it is in their sadness that they have this profound beauty. They are filled with emotion (often grief, loneliness, sorrow) and her voice really reflects those emotions. She knows how to use tone, volume, and all of that. But I don't think she just "uses" them like some other artists, I think she really does feel the things she's singing. And it's that empathetic vibe that I really gel with. Plus, I love to sing LOUD. And Patty's songs are all in my sweet belting range, and I can play many of them on the guitar. Sometimes I'll go up to the chapel late at night, when no one is around, and sing loud enough to wake the dead. It's a very cathartic thing--singing these grief-filled songs at the top of my lungs.

Eek. Comparing her to someone would be impossible for me, because to me she is beyond and separate from all others. So, instead, I will name a couple comparisons other people have made. I have heard people compare her voice to the lead singer of the Dixie Chicks. I have also heard her compared to this other folkie type singer named Nanci Griffith. But trust me, she's in a class to herself.

3. Out of all the jobs you’ve had, which one have you learned the most from?

Great question. I'm going to pull a stephcapell and say it's a tie (so I can name 2!). I would say I've learned something really significant from all of my jobs, but a couple of them stand out as transforming my life in really important ways. Teaching at a special ed high school in LAUSD definitely taught me a lot. It was through my relationships with the students (in particular, the light of my life, Xochitl) that I learned a lot about myself, God, life, and love. I learned a lot about physical beauty--my eyes were opened to see a broader range of beauty (in both others and myself) than what our culture deems as beautiful.
I also learned a lot in my work as a hospice chaplain--about the dying process, grief, and family dynamics. But also I learned a ton about myself, how I relate to people, what of my own issues get mixed in with how I provide care, etc.

4. Did you decide what laptop you wanted?

Yes, I did. I will be making the switch, and becoming a Mac user. I will most likely get a 12" G4 iBook. And I am convinced that the domination of the iPod is just the first step in Apple's future domination of the technological world. So, I am helping them in their goal to world domination.

5. If you could revive any friendship from the past, which one would you chose?

That is a really interesting question! So, I'm assuming this is someone I have totally lost contact with, and not just a friend I want to have increased intimacy with. And for this, I would say my friend John Paul Lopez (I am putting his full name on the off-chance he'll google himself, read this, and get in touch with me!). We knew each other in high school, and then after high school we spent almost every waking moment of the summer together. We stayed out until 5am almost every night, and he was like a brother to me. I moved up to UCLA for school, and stayed in pretty good touch with him for a few years, but then we just lost contact. He did go up to Berekeley for school, and I have heard some kind of sad rumors about what he's up to now...but I have no way of getting in touch with him. I'd like to though.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Thanks for playing, stephaniecapell!

1. If you want to play, leave a comment below saying so.
2. I'll post five unique questions to the comments section of YOUR latest post.
3. You answer them in your blog.
4. In your post, you include this explanation and an offer to interview others.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

The End of the Petition

2006-04-21T16:17:00.000-07:00

So, this week the faculty voted on the petition I brought forward (along with half of the graduating class who signed it). I discovered today, it was voted down unanimously at this week's faculty meeting. Thus, the awards will be announced as always during the graduation ceremony.

The reasons they chose to keep things as they are (as told to me by a faculty member) are as follows:
1) Some of the awards given (by families in honor of a deceased relative, etc.) stipulate that they are to be presented in this specific way.
2) Something else I forgot.
3) Given as the main reason: we are called to rejoice with those who rejoice rather than to respond in bitterness or resentment.

This feels like a huge blow. Honestly, knowing the faculty here, I didn't expect it to go through. But there were a few faculty who I really felt were on the same page with me when I talked to them, and seemed to have the same communal values and position on the awards issue. So I was really surprised, saddened, and disappointed that they did not support the petition. It is really hard that a value I hold with such centrality in my understanding of the Kingdom of God, the Gospel, and Christian communities would not even have one single supporter among the faculty here. I feel really alone right now. And disappointed.

Two Things...

2006-04-20T19:02:00.000-07:00

1) I graduate exactly one month from today. This is both cool and weird.

2) Since I didn't attend the Patti Griffin concert tonight (alas!), I decided to post the lyrics to one of my favorite songs of hers instead. This song is actually my favorite song to play on the guitar and sing along to. In other words, there are some really great belting parts. And more often than not I can't actually sing through the whole song, really feeling it, without bursting into tears. Especially that last stanza. It cuts deep.

Sweet Lorraine

Sweet Lorraine the fiery haired brown eyed schemer
Who came from a long line of drinkers and dreamers
Who knew that sunshine don't hold up to dark
Whose businesses fail
Who sleep in the park

Lorraine who spoke of paintings in Paris
And outlandish things to her family just to scare us
whose heart went pokin' where it shouldn't ought
Whose mother could only spit at the thought
Lorraine, sweet Lorraine

Her father would tear out like a page of the Bible
Then he'd burn down the house to announce his arrival
Her mother was working and never was home
Lorraine carved out a little life of her own

Lorraine started working, Lorraine went to school
Her mother threw stones at her on the day that she moved
Now isn't that a very strange thing to do
For someone who never really wanted you
Lorraine, sweet Lorraine

Her daddy called her a slut and a whore
On the night before her wedding day
The very next morning at the church
Her daddy gave Lorraine away, Lorraine away
Lorraine, sweet Lorraine

In the battle of time in the battle of will
It's only your hope and your heart that gets killed
And it gets harder and harder Lorraine, to believe in magic
When what came before you is so very tragic
Lorraine, sweet Lorraine
-----------
P.S. Casey--sorry I missed you. I really wanted to get a chance to chat more about the awards thing, and how you're doing up in Memphis. I didn't see you on Wednesday morning, and then I guess you left. Hope it was a good trip, and hopefully I'll see ya when you're here again in a month. This place is killing me with the awards thing--they just sent out word about another award I could apply for, for doing well on Worship and Theology ords. DANG IT!!! Alas. Take care.

A Survey

2006-04-19T06:59:00.002-07:00

I have tagged myself, from this guy's post, since I have nothing else I want to write about today. I will say though, that I won't be going to the Patty Griffin concert--I couldn't find anyone else who was a rabid enough fan to do something so crazy, and it didn't seem like something to do alone. Alright, so here's the survey.

How well do you know me?

Four jobs I've had:
1. Special Education Teacher for LAUSD
2. Actress
3. Subway Sandwich Artist
4. Hospice Chaplain

Four movies I would watch over and over:
1. Magnolia
2. 28 Days
3. When Harry Met Sally
4. Mumford

Four places I have lived:
1. Southern California
2. Atlanta area
3. In a Salvation Army training facility (not as a member of the church)
4. In a former sanitarium outside of Moscow (only for a few weeks)

Four tv shows I love to watch:
1. Veronica Mars
2. Sex and the City
3. Simpsons
4. Twin Peaks

Vacation Spots:
1. Chicago
2. Savannah
3. St. Petersburg, Russia
4. Australia

Four favorite foods:
1. Sushi (especially salmon ngiri)
2. Kraft Macaroni and cheese (yes, I am a toddler)
3. Potstickers
4. Beef ribs (sorry, cows)

Four places I'd rather be:
1. Los Angeles
2. Seattle
3. Moscow
4. Oaxaca

Advice?

2006-04-16T21:40:00.000-07:00

Since I almost never want advice, and since so many of the people in the world LOVE to give it, I figured I would post about two things that I'm thinking about that I actually would appreciate people's input on. Feel free to quell your thirst for giving advice and sharing all the wisdom of your experience.

1) My current absolute favorite musician is Patty Griffin. I adore her. And she's playing on Thursday night for only $10!!! The thing is though, it's in Mississippi and a 5 hour drive from here. So, even though the ticket is only $10, that's a lot of time (10 hours driving) and gas money ($60) to spend on a concert. Though I do really really love her and would thoroughly enjoy seeing her in concert. Should I do it?

2) For my graduation present, my mom and step-dad have agreed to buy me a new laptop. I have been a loyal PC user for my entire life and have really enjoyed using them. But in the past couple of years I have heard some really excellent things about Macs that make me consider switching (e.g., longer battery life, much slimmer chance of contracting viruses, more power, etc.). But this is a really big decision, and one that I'm not fully equipped to make on my own. So...thoughts?

Alright, advise away.

Deadline for Awards

2006-04-12T16:20:00.000-07:00

Friday is the deadline for submitting a paper for consideration for an academic award. I have been doing a lot of thinking about whether I could indeed submit an exegesis paper, and still have a modicum of congruence between my values and actions.

If we're just framing it in terms of the petition I wrote about not announcing the names of the award winners at graduation, then there's nothing inherently wrong with me submitting a paper for an award. Because the petition was just about the announcement of awards, not about the giving of awards in general. And besides, one of my professors last semester told me that she thought I should submit one of my papers for the exegesis award. And the fact is, I would *love* to get an award. I would love to have people say, "You know Bethany, after careful consideration, we have determined that you really are the best and smartest exegete in your class." Who doesn't like to be told you're the best? Man, I love it.

But those desires are not coming from a place of deep love for God and for my sisters and brothers in Christ. They are coming from a place of pride, selfishness, and wanting to find my value in being better than someone else.

The reality is, I am against this concept of awards in general within the body of Christ. Even though my petition didn't go that far, and even though I didn't take any kind of public stand against the awards in general, the truth is that I do not agree with a system or structure that makes our brothers and sisters into our rivals--or that compares people to one another in order to choose who is the "best." (Again, to clarify, I am all for honoring each other for the great talents and gifts we have--and for encouraging each other to use them; I just cannot support this being done in a competitive way.) The following pops into my mind:

An argument arose among them as to which one of them was the greatest. But Jesus, aware of their inner thoughts, took a little child and put it by his side, and said to them, "Whoever welcomes this child in my name welcomes me, and whoever welcomes me welcomes the one who sent me; for the least among all of you is the greatest." Luke 9:46-48

The bottom line is, I cannot in good faith submit any papers for an award. So I won't.

Back in the ATL

2006-04-10T20:11:00.000-07:00

It was a great visit to the Northwest, and I met many wonderful people. Until the details about my placement get worked out though, I'll refrain from going into a lot of details about the trip. Let's just say, God was at work and brought a lot of clarity. Plus, the whole money situation is ALREADY worked out--regarding the concern about being able to pay back my loans while not getting a lot of pay (see a couple entries ago). It's not going to be a problem.

But now, I need to do all the work I didn't get done during my trip. Argh.

I'll leave you with one Bonhoeffer quotation that a few people in the L'Arche communities mentioned: Those who love community destroy community, but those who love their brothers and sisters build it up.

There is something really wise in that statement. But I will add one qualifier and say that it's possible to both love community and to love your brothers and sisters. So, just because someone loves community doesn't mean they'll necessarily destroy a community. It's only if they love the ideal of community and not actual people. For the record.

The McPassion of America

2006-04-05T08:15:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm off. Gotta get packed, grab some lunch with a friend, and then head to the airport. I'll be in Seattle a few days, then Portland a couple days, then I'll fly back to Atlanta on Monday. I'm excited about the trip--but all of the usual insecurities and anxieties about meeting new people and going to new places also join the mix of feelings. But mostly I am excited. It is weird that this desire to live in a L'Arche community that I've had for several years now, that has existed mostly in the abstract, is moving closer to fruition.

While I'm gone, feel free to watch a short film online tying together the movie The Passion of the Christ with McDonald's called The McPassion. I'm not really sure whether it's deeply offensive, an appropriate satire of consumeristic American "Christian" culture, or just kind of silly. Maybe all three. When I think about it as a critique of Christian capitalism and consumerism, I'm less offended by it. (But if you are easily offended by mockeries of Christian culture, or jokes about Jesus, definitely don't watch the movie. I did find myself cringing in a few places. There's your warning.)

But this past Saturday, my friend Danny and I were at a jewelry party (you know, one of those parties where you are invited to buy things) and there were several telling moments. First, in describing the company, our hostess told us the company was based on biblical values. We looked at each other oddly, thinking, which biblical values are exactly being uplifted here? Vanity? Capitalism? Then, when we were looking through the catalog, we noticed a page selling that type of bracelet where you can buy links that say things (kind of like a charm bracelet for the new millenium). There were three sets of links you could buy, and we found it very VERY telling of American culture. Here were the sets, in order (note the progression):

1) Faith- including links like: WWJD, a Christian fish symbol, a cross, etc.
2) Freedom- including links like: the American flag, USA ribbon, red, white, and blue jewels
3) (I forgot the name of this pack)- including links like: Love 2 Shop, lipstick, etc.

I wished I could rip that page out of the catalog and distribute it to the entire country. It's just so telling. Anyway, I'm off. Everyone have a great rest of your week and weekend. Godspeed!

Ah, the Irony.

2006-04-04T08:31:00.000-07:00

So, in my last entry I was going on about how God likes to use the weak of the world to shame the strong--about how God likes to do a lot with a little, rather than a lot with a lot (like in Judges 7). And then, I was sent information on the amount of stipend paid to assistants who live in a L'Arche community. Now, don't get me wrong, I can live quite simply and don't really need a lot of material things to get by. And I think it's good that the resources of the community are used well, and not to support lavish spending habits. But let's just say this amount was about half of what I expected it to be. Ouch.

It's not about having the money, it's about the fact that when I leave seminary I will have almost 12K in debt. And that is hardly anything for a masters degree from a private institution--it's a steal. My church helped me out a lot for my 2nd and 3rd year, and I didn't have to take out any loans during them. That was an incredible blessing for which I am grateful. But the fact remains that I don't really see how I will even be able to pay my student loans with the amount of money I will get working in a L'Arche community.

I guess this is the part where faith comes in. Where I am invited to trust that God always equips me for where God has called me. I am sure that God will make a way, but I guess I was just not aware of what a difficulty it would be. I can be hopelessly impractical sometimes.

An Aspect of God

2006-04-03T07:10:00.000-07:00

Over the past few days, I've been reminded of one of my favorite things about God. First abstractly, and then God solidified it in a concrete situation. It's not a new thing, but there is something in our culture that makes it really easy to forget this. And I really do love this about God. It's probably one of the things that really gives me a feeling of affection for God--like, real affection, like, "you make my heart smile when I think of you" affection. I mean, I always love God, but there are not as many moments where I can really feel the sentiment. But I am feeling it now.

So what is this thing about God that makes my heart flutter, you ask?

Well, here's the explanation. I'm in a Bible study where we all read 3 chapters a day, and meet once a week to talk about what we've read. We started maybe a couple months ago at Genesis 1, and now we're almost done with Judges. And I love Judges. It's one of my favorite books in the Old Testament. And at Bible study this past week I started to comment on something I had noticed about God in the reading, and just like that, as soon as I started to verbalize it, there went my heart--aflutter.

I love that God especially chooses to work through the unlikeliest of candidates to do God's work in the world. Either choosing to whittle down a great army to a mere band of 300 clowns who lap water like dogs to fight a battle, or choosing women to defeat military leaders, or having a child kill an oppressive giant--God is constantly constantly choosing the "weak things of the world" to overcome the strong. I love that God does that. I love that God does that for God's own glory, and I love that God does that to subvert the earthly concepts of weakness and strength.

I totally love it. LOVE it. I think this world would be very different if we American Christians could hold onto this reality for more than 5 minutes at a time.

Spring Break

2006-03-30T14:08:00.000-08:00

Ah, one more day of class until Spring Break. Awesome. I just finished Hardboiled Wonderland and the End of the World by Haruki Murakami, and next on the agenda is The Wind-up Bird Chronicle (also by Murakami). I'm on a Murakami kick lately, since reading Kafka on the Shore over Christmas break. I mixed it up with some John Irving though. But I think most of this break is going to need to be spent doing readings for my World Christianity class. That professor doesn't mess around when it comes to assigning readings for us.

Of course, a book I read during my first year in seminary that I would say has been among the most transformative of my perspective of the world (Mission: An Essential Guide, by Carlos Cordoza-Orlandi). He wrote about missiology from the perspective of someone who comes from a culture (Puerto Rican) that has been missionized by the dominant culture, and I found it very eye-opening. So anyway, I have to figure the books he assigns are probably worth reading.

On Wednesday I'll be leaving for Seattle to visit the L'Arche community there. And I just found out that I'll be visiting the Portland community while I'm out there too. I may as well check out another community while I'm there, because who knows where God is going to want to send me. And Portland is only a 3 hour drive from Seattle--so it's very doable. I've never been to either place, so it will be an adventure. And hopefully I will begin to get some sense of what my next destination might be on this journey called life.

Power and Hierarchy

2006-03-29T07:05:00.000-08:00

For a couple of reasons, I've been thinking a lot about power and hierarchy this week. For one thing, the Board of Trustees has been on campus this week--and everyone always bends over backwards trying to impress them and put on a smiley seminary face. And, even when they don't put on a smiley face, they are only honest about the issues that they are really willing to admit to and deal with. And I hate that showy aspect of life here. Then also, my friend Micah left a comment on my recent entry about the Holy Kiss in this blog--and he made the following point:

i notice that you include 'hierarchy' and 'power' along with 'separaton' and 'who's at the top of the totem pole'. and these all seem to contrast with practices of community and love. but do we think that all expression of power or all hierarchy must stand opposed to community and love?

He wrote a lot more than that (he makes some good points in the comment, if you want to read the whole thing), but it really made me think a lot about what I do think about hierarchy and power. And I've talked to a couple of professors whose perspectives I value, and got their input on this as well.

As for power, you can see in my own reply to Micah's comment that I agree it was wrong to include "power" in the list of things opposed to community and love. I wrote:

you are right in pointing out that it was sloppy for me to lump "power" in itself with things that are opposed to community and love. that is certainly not true. power dynamics exist in every relationship, structure, and organization. and power can be used for good, and to further the gospel and can promote love in a Christian community. Jesus is a good example of one who uses his power to empower those in a society who have no power. and that, most certainly, is a good use of power.

power is not in itself bad. and i appreciate you reminding me of that. i guess the problem is, i see many more examples of people using their power for their own gain, ego, or to dominate others (even just in everyday power dynamics). so i begin to grow wary of structural positions of power, and wonder whether (in our brokenness) we as humans ever really can handle our power and use it for good; because i rarely see that.

But I think I do need to reclaim the word "power" as a good thing, and that I need to be willing to own the power that I do have, and to use it in a humble way to empower others. I do think that we, as humans, just need to stay aware of how power affects us, and it is never a good thing to think we are somehow above the destructive affects of power. Power corrupts.

I am still against hierarchy, however. I'm all for difference and diversity, but not when it gets set up in a hierarchical way. I think hierarchy is an expression of our brokenness, rather than a necessary way of dealing with it.

Weil Quotation

2006-03-27T16:10:00.000-08:00

I got this quotation in my inbox today and I really liked it. So I'm sharing it.

Imaginary evil is romantic and varied; real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring. Imaginary good is boring; real good is always new, marvelous, intoxicating.

Simone Weil, Gravity and Grace (1952)

The Holy Kiss

2006-03-22T20:48:00.000-08:00

I'm not usually an article sharer, but this one struck me and I've been thinking of bits of it over the past couple of days--so, I am now sharing it with you.

Kiss and Tell the Gospel: what the early church meant by the "holy kiss"

I have been thinking a lot about embodiment lately--and how much the Church often focuses on "spiritual health," often defining that way too narrowly (e.g., "don't send her to the psychotherapist! just perform an exorcism or pray over her! we have to deal with her spiritual issues"). As if our "spirituality" is somehow separate from our bodies, our emotions, our experiences, our psychology, our intellectual pursuits. And I like the way embodied rituals (e.g., the holy kiss) bring some of that together.

The other part of the article I found interesting was how quickly this ritual became a thing of separation, alienation, and domination in the Church. We are so quick to do turn beautiful practices of community and love into ways to express power, hierarchy, separation, and who's at the top of the totem pole. We are so broken. God have mercy.

And, of course, I think we could all use some more kissing. Everyone who reads this can feel free to greet me with a holy kiss whenever they see me. Who wouldn't love this form of community? Sign me up.

blood from a stone (a poem by me)

2006-03-19T22:04:00.000-08:00

I just got off the phone with a dear friend. Something we were talking about made me feel like writing this poem right now. I don't claim to be an awesome poet, so don't be mean. Just felt like sharing.
-------------------

maybe people have something like a gas tank
but it doesn't run on petroleum
it runs on love, or something like that
and there are times when that tank runs dry
which happens to all of us sometimes
there is no love to give
there is also no love to receive

and there are times
when our desperation wins the day
we see a stone as a beating heart
so we grab and hold and squeeze
trying to get even one drop of blood
something from that stone
so we can swish it in our tank
to keep going for another day

and finally there is blood
we let out a triumphant sigh
because we knew the stone would bleed
if only we squeezed hard enough

and in our rejoicing
we neglect to notice that
the blood we are seeing on that stone
is coming from our hands

Petition Update

2006-03-18T06:40:00.000-08:00

Well, the petition made it through the first round of committees. It first went through the worship and convocation committee, but they didn't get to decide anything about it in terms of implementation, they just voted on where they stood so they could pass it along to the faculty along with their recommendations. They had four categories of voting, and here is how it played out:

1) Keep the awards presentation at the graduation ceremony (i.e., change nothing): 4 votes.
2) Move the presentation of awards to the night before, after the baccalaureate service: 5 votes.
3) Have no verbal recognition of awards, and put a written insert in the graduation bulletin: 3 votes.
4) Abstention: 2 votes. (That this was even an option kind of blows my mind.)

To me, it's a good sign, because options 2 and 3 both see the need for a change in how the awards are presented--and together they have twice as many as option 1. But really, since this isn't the final word or anything, it really will rest with the faculty. Hopefully though, they will take seriously the thoughts of this committee that a change might be beneficial, and will take seriously that at least half of the graduating class also sees the need for a change. Anyway, I have now washed my hands of this, and I leave it to the powers (and Powers) that be.

Randomness.

2006-03-15T07:50:00.000-08:00

1. I am totally coveting these shoes. Even if I buy a slightly used pair on Ebay, they're still going to set me back about $80. If I buy them new in the store, they are about $112. Is it worth it? (For anyone who cares, they are Dansko Cabrio professional clogs.)

2. There are two phrases I totally hate, referring to different things about women. I HATE the phrase "over-the-shoulder boulder holder" to refer to a bra. And I hate the phrase "on the rag" describing when women are having their periods. Blech. They both make me cringe.

3. I think it's riduculous to use big words for the sake of using them. Especially when you're talking to people who probably don't know the word, and when there is another word that would get your message across just as adequately. BUT, there are big words (or just uncommon words, whatever you want to call them) that are totally worth using no matter what. One such word is innocuous. I use that word pretty often, and it is just a great word.

OK, Godspeed.

It's that time again...

2006-03-13T11:52:00.000-08:00

Hey kids, what time is it? That's right, March Madness bracket time. Last year was the first year I filled one out, and it was AWESOME. Sure, in the end I was at the bottom of the rankings in the group I was part of, but I didn't care. I was so sad I had to wait a whole year before I could do it again.
But now, the time has come again! Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeet! Go Bruins!!!
--------------
P.S. My friend just told me she thought this post was a joke. It is not--I am serious that this is super fun. If you think it's not, you are just plain wrong.
--------------
P.P.S. Here is what I typed to RegularGoy in response to his comment on this post on my other blog: when you fill out the bracket, it basically has all the information there for you, and it's super easy to fill out. you just click on who you think is going to win each round, and they put it on the next line. they give you the rankings of each team, so you can make a guess based on which team is ranked higher. then, you can assume there will be a few upsets, so you can just do a few where you pick the school you just like better. anyway, that's what i do. and i don't follow it that closely, but it just makes me slightly more invested, so I can engage in conversations with other people who are invested...

As Promised: My Theory

2006-03-09T20:16:00.000-08:00

As promised in the previous entry, here's my theory for one of the most prevalent reasons people focus on what other people did wrong that led to them getting some kind of disease (lung cancer, diabetes, AIDS, etc.). I do agree with RegularGoy's comment (on my other blog that mirrors this one) that sometimes people just don't want to empathize. But I get on a soapbox about people's emotional laziness often enough already. So this theory goes in a bit of a different direction.

It boils down to a fear about the loss of control of death and disease (really, about our own mortality). I think there is something in us that wants death and disease to work logically--and we want to believe that life, death, illness, etc. is all in our realm of control. And if we can blame a person's illness/death on a risk factor we don't have, or if we can then decide we are going to remove that risk factor in ourselves, it can provide us with the illusion that we have power over death. Whereas, if you focus on someone's ultimate humanity in the face of death, you realize how easily it could be you (or any person, since we are all fragile, and we will all die).

Now, I'm not saying we have no power over our own death. Certainly there are choices we make that influence our health--and we also have the option to choose to end our life at any time. But really, if there's anything I saw working in the AIDS Clinic, it's that you die when you're gonna die. Some people did everything "right" and died within a year. Some people slipped up quite a bit, and lived with HIV/AIDS for over 15 years. There are people who smoke for a long time and never get cancer. There are people who never smoke and get cancer. There are people who are fit, exercise often, eat healthily, and die of a heart attack at 35. That doesn't mean we shouldn't live healthy lives, it just means that doing so doesn't guarantee longevity. Nothing does.

Yes, there are some aspects of life and death that seem to be in our power...but there is also a really real way that death is not in our hands at all.

However, if we focus all of our attention on blaming people who get illnesses for their bad habits, we can distance ourselves from their illness, and ultimately, get a false sense of control over our own life and death.

"Again I saw that under the sun the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor bread to the wise, nor riches to the intelligent, nor favor to the skillful; but time and chance happen to them all." Ecclesiastes 9:11

Anyway, that's the theory. Take it or leave it.

Why There Will Never Be a Colored Ribbon for Lung Cancer

2006-03-08T06:36:00.000-08:00

A while back, in the advent of all the multi-colored plastic bracelets coming out for various cancers and diseases, someone remarked to me that we would never have a bracelet for lung cancer.

Since then, I've been thinking a lot about this, and realizing how true it is. When someone has smoked their whole life, and they get lung cancer, there is a real attitude of "Well, you deserved it." Here the person has cancer, which sucks, and what they get the most from the people around them is judgment and condemnation.

In another case, if a thin person gets diabetes, people are mostly sympathetic and feel for the person. But if a fat person gets diabetes, what they get is also the attitude of, "Well, you deserved it." The fat person is no less in need of support and care in the advent of getting the news of a disease, but what they get is criticism and judgment.

Now, I'm not saying that people shouldn't try to live healthy lives. And I'm not saying there are not consequences for behaviors. But why, when someone is already facing health concerns and in need of support, should they have to get reamed? It's not as if they don't already know that smoking can cause lung cancer or fatness can cause diabetes. Trust me, they don't need to be reminded that they "brought it on themselves." 99.9% of the time they are already feeling ashamed and condemning themselves.

Oh, but wait, isn't that what Jesus says to us about our sin? Isn't that how he responds to sinners (e.g., woman caught in adultery in John 8) who are suffering the consequences of sin--with the words, "Well, you deserved it"?

[Tomorrow: My theory on why people feel the need to blame the person who gets an illness. Stay tuned.]

Receiving Compliments

2006-03-07T12:19:00.000-08:00

For many various reasons, I am not good at knowing how to respond to compliments. It has come up a lot over the past couple of days, because I sang a little in chapel yesterday, and people have been giving me a lot of positive feedback. For the most part I just say, "Thank you" and let it pass. A few years back I used to protest or try to minimize myself, but I've grown out of that phase.

But this morning in one of my classes, someone just went on and on about how I had belted it out and blah blah blah, and I guess I didn't respond the way she wanted me to, because she said, "You don't like this do you?" And I said, "No, not really."

I would say that I can take affirmation from people I am good friends with, and it's not a big deal. But with someone who doesn't really know me on a personal level, I feel like if I agree with their compliment, and own whatever gift it is that God has given me, then I'm somehow being boastful.

I guess I find it hard to walk the line between not minimizing the gifts God has given me, and being able to be self-aware enough to know what my gifts are, but also realizing that I'm in a culture that (especially toward women) names that awareness as vanity or conceit.

Styles of Worship

2006-03-06T09:47:00.000-08:00

I ran across a website for a church near Seattle, and it had this to say in it's philosophy statement:

Healthy Worship:
We believe that our worship should come out of a variety of forms and styles. The issue in worship is not what pleases us personally, but what pleases God. When we are uncomfortable with an unfamiliar worship style, someone else is comfortable, and we please God by setting our own preferences aside.

I must say, there is something there that is really refreshing to me. The focus on God, the focus on loving one's neighbor, it's good stuff. Most people I talk to either find people who are into hymns and traditional styles of liturgical worship horribly stale and misguided, or they are on the other side and think that people who have informal worship with praise songs are into vapid emotionalism. And this is not to say that neither of those sentiments is ever true. But it's nice to find a church that is willing to take a break from all that negativity (or at least try to).

2006-03-03T11:54:00.000-08:00

Take Up Your Cross

2006-03-02T12:58:00.000-08:00

At my seminary, seniors get together in teams of 4 and each team has a week of daily chapel services to plan. My team's week is coming up in about a month (the week before Holy Week).

In hindsight, I wish we hadn't signed up for a week in Lent, and I wish we hadn't chosen as a theme one of my most formative Scriptures (Mark 8:24-25)...because it makes me really invested in what we do, and have strong, passionate feelings about what it should look like. But in a group of 4 seminarians, there are usually 3 other people that also have their own strong feelings about it. So, it becomes a navigation of compromises. And I don't mind compromising in general, but the danger in this kind of situation is that we'll have four competing visions, each of which will be expressed, and so none of them will really come across clearly or with any degree of power. It can seem like a jumbled mess.

One issue has become how that Scripture ("Let anyone who wants to be my follower deny themselves, take up their cross, and follow me. For anyone who saves their life will lose it, but anyone who loses their life for my sake and for the sake of the Gospel will save it.") has been used to oppress already oppressed peoples. After all, if someone is already being trampled on by others, and has no will of their own, this can be a tool to further that oppression, rather than a tool for empowerment. Of course, our seminary is mostly composed of people of great privilege (we're in Grad School after all), though I think all of us have some places where our self is already denied, through no choice of our own.

Anybody have any ideas on how this text applies to people who already have no voice or self or power in a culture? How can this be preached to people whose selves are already denied?

Short Term Relationships

2006-02-28T22:14:00.000-08:00

The interesting thing about knowing I'm going to be leaving here in less than three months is that I find myself attracted to a lot more of the guys here. And I think it's because (for better or worse) I'm not thinking in terms of long term relationships, but just in terms of: "Hey, he seems like a good guy. I could probably have some fun being in a 3 month relationship with him, enjoy the affection, and learn some things." And when it's just for a few months, I feel like I don't really have any hard and fast standards or anything.
But I don't know if I could actually do that--like, just have a relationship that I knew wasn't going anywhere. I feel like for me to really invest, I can't know for sure that it's going to end really soon. And I can't decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
I have some friends that are like--hey just have fun, learn, love, be loved, it's all good. And some friends that think it's better not to get involved with someone you know you couldn't be serious about. I think I'm more of the latter, but maybe I need more of the former in me. I dunno.

Bringing it into the light...

2006-02-25T06:06:00.000-08:00

So last night, while I was hanging out with a couple of friends, we got to talking about shame. Well, first we were talking about guilt, and about how almost all women carry around so much guilt that isn't theirs to carry. And then I told my hilarious joke that says: "Show me a woman who doesn't carry around a deep and nagging sense of guilt, and I'll show you a man." Hilarious.

But anyway, back to shame. So it was a really good time of being able to talk about shame. More than that, it was a time when some powers of shame were broken; because, as I've seen time and time again in the past, the thing that best breaks shame is bringing it into the light and telling people about what it is that you are feeling ashamed of. Even if it's bad, and even if they have a reaction like "Holy S--t, I can't believe you did that!" there is still a power that gets broken when another person knows about it. Shame really thrives in secrecy. So I think we'll have another shame-breaking session again soon.

Loosely connected to this thing about all women and shame and society, I have to give a giant "YOU SUCK" shout out to most of the Olympic figure skating announcers on NBC. I didn't watch all of the figure skating, by any means, but when I did watch it I was appalled by the way they talked about some of the skaters. After one skater, who wasn't super awesome or super terrible, one of the announcers said something like, "She is a nice skater. She has a nice figure, nice long, slender legs, and she looks great in that costume." And this was basically the extent of the comments "about" her performance. I was like HOLD THE PHONE! (Okay, I didn't really say that exactly, because I've never used that phrase before in my life.) But I was just totally beside myself in thinking that here was an athlete who spends all her time training for her sport, and she has made it to the F-ing Olympics, and the announcer focuses in on how hot her legs look in her costume. That speaks volumes. Plus, I just hate in general how the announcers always make all these psychological judgements about every skater. They are idiots.

And on one last note, only if you feel like you know me well enough to do so, please fill out some qualities you think I have in my Johari Window.

Memories of Feelings

2006-02-22T20:55:00.000-08:00

**Just as a point of clarification, my professor actually does know how Africa is shaped. It was just a very quick, spontaneous sketch for the board, and he wasn't too worried about the specifics; he just wanted us to have a general idea of where things were.

OK, on another topic, from time to time I think about the two guys in my life for whom I've had the strongest romantic feelings. Tonight it came up because I saw this singer/songwriter perform who I met once before for like 5 minutes, and had been idealizing him ever since. Anyway, about these 2 guys I think about, unfortunately neither of them was ever my boyfriend, which is sad to say. (Luckily, no old boyfriends read these blogs, or they would be really offended.) Anyway, these feelings were not just crushes, or infatuations, or even strong feelings of affection; they were deep down soul squeezing feelings. On a whole other level.
One of them was a guy I knew for a time in L.A.--but he had a girlfriend working on her PhD at an Ivy League school on the East Coast, so after we started getting really close, we had to stop hanging out (since his girlfriend was across the country, and here he was developing strong intimacy with a girl in his town). And that was really hard, but a real move of faithfulness and integrity on his part. It only made me like him more, damn him! Anyway, he moved out of L.A. a few months later, and he and his girlfriend married.
The other one I met at church here in Atlanta. We got to know each other in Bible study over the course of about a year. Then we went out one time--we went to an exhibit at the High Museum in Atlanta. A few days later I left for Christmas break in CA, and when I came back he had moved out of state and in with his parents because his mom was dying. His mom did die, and he ended up staying in that other state. He also now has a long-term girlfriend, and I'm sure will be married soon if he isn't already.
And so from time to time I wonder about my own memory of my feelings for them, and I think: is this just a case of me not getting to know these guys well enough to see all their flaws? You know, like they are idealized in my mind because we never spent enough time together that I saw the real truth of their jacked-up, selfish sides? -OR- Is it that these two experiences are evidence that this kind of love is truly possible and worth looking for?
The answer is not really important right now. It's just something I think about, and I thought I'd share. Anyone else have those people who you totally adored, never got to know as well as you would have liked to, and remain idealized in your mind up to this day? Do you think it has a positive or negative effect?

Rorschach Test

2006-02-21T13:54:00.000-08:00

This weekend was AWESOME, and so needed. It was just so nice to be in a cabin in the mountains, and to be with people I love. There was even a 4 month old with us, and he added something very nice to the community. We each had a turn to talk about our life story, and about how our understanding and practice of prayer has changed over time. We ended up talking a lot about our families too. It was just a really, really good time. There were a few moments of romantic distraction (no, not with Frank), but it didn't put a damper on anything. I am really grateful for the weekend.

On a totally unrelated, and lighter note, something hilariously immature happened in my U.S. Religious History class today. The professor drew the following on the board:

Now, if your first thought is--Oh yeah, that's Africa! then you're right. He was talking about the slave trade and the development of African-American religious movements in the 1700's, and just drew a quick map on the board to use to show us some of the geography. However, as soon as he drew that up on the board, let's just say I definitely did not see Africa. And I was trying my hardest not to bust into laughter, so I was biting my lip and staring at the table. But my friend behind me (who knows how my mind works a little too well) could tell what was going on, and she called my name and started holding in her own laughter. She actually had to leave the room to go bust out laughing in the hallway.

Ah, seminary. I'm glad to see that over the years I have gained the maturity of a 7th grade boy.

A Welcomed Respite

2006-02-16T22:32:00.000-08:00

Let me just say, God is Good. Can I hear an Amen?

After I wrote my entry yesterday, as I was praying before bed, I was thinking about how frustrated I was about being misunderstood, and how very very hard that is for me. It was so hard that people were not getting the real essence of what I was saying, and that they were coming with their criticisms rather than coming with their questions wanting to really try to see where I was coming from. And I just started thinking, I don't think I'm a strong enough person for these kinds of things. Because these are not just fun theological issues that I discuss in my spare time, they are at the center of who I am, how I view God, and what I think Christianity is; all based primarily on who I think Jesus is and how I read the New Testament. And anyway, it is not easy to have those things on the public chopping block.

But anyway, when I started praying, God really calmed me down and helped me realize that this is about God, and I need to trust God with whatever results happen. So I just prayed that God would take it from here, and that whatever needed to happen would happen. Not that I'm totally taking myself out of the process of what's happening, but I am really weary from all of this, and from people wanting to talk about it all the time, express their criticism, etc. There's only so much of that I can handle. And the bottom line is, God is more capable than I. I trust God to be God.

So, providentially, this weekend I'll be going with some friends from church (including the Frankinator) for an informal retreat type thing up at someone's aunt's giant house out in the country. It will be so SO SOOOO good to spend some time with friends, and not to have to talk constantly about why I think rivalry is not a good thing in a Christian community, and about why I am wrong. It's a welcomed break, and I am super grateful to God.

The Award Saga Continues...

2006-02-15T20:17:00.000-08:00

Well, today the Eisegesis came out (the unofficial, student newspaper here at my seminary), with my little tongue-in-cheek article about how I didn't really appreciate how the recipients and of each scholarship, and the scholarship type/amount, were publicly named and pictured in our seminary's newsletter--mostly it's about how I didn't like how this affected the community. This is on the heels of the petition that I passed around about not announcing the awards, out loud, during the graduation ceremony. So this whole awards thing is one of the conversation topics around the campus.

Here are a few things I've realized, as a result of doing this whole thing:

1) One of the most unhappy results of putting myself out there in this way has been that my stance has been misinterpreted/misunderstood. I think that must be something people who publish their ideas regularly struggle with all the time. People hear about the issue, or read something, and then filter it through their own lens, and then decide what they think I'm saying and why I'm saying it. This is a really hard thing for me, and I have to fight the urge to post a public statement refuting the most common misconceptions about my position. There are 2 main misconceptions.
A-That I'm against honoring people in general, because I think if you honor someone this necessarily means someone else is diminished. and
B-That I'm doing this for the sake of people who don't win awards, so their self-esteem won't be damaged.
These are both very very false (though A is more false than B). I am doing this because I don't think competition is the way we should interact with our brothers and sisters in the body of Christ. I ABSOLUTELY believe people should be honored. I think we should be affirming, honoring, and exhorting each other all the time! But the point is, it should not be set up as a competition. And it is not just for people who don't win awards--having a community that is mutually affirming and non-competitive is for the good of EVERYONE, not just people who lose.

2) When you put something in writing, you risk having a typo that kind of messes up what you were trying to say. (The whole last paragraph of my article is supposed to have some key phrases of a Bible verse struck-through and replaced with other phrases next to them, but there is no strike-through...so the paragraph is really awkward and kind of lame...)

3) Even with 1 and 2, I am still really glad this is being talked about. Whether or not it actually happens, I at least feel positively about the fact that the conversation is happening, and people are thinking about it.

4) I really, emphatically believe that Christian community and competition don't mix. In fact, I've decided to do a thorough study of Philippians over the course of the semester, and to delve into Paul's theology of rivalry, competition, and the Christian life. I think I will write something academic on it, just for fun.

5) It has gotten easier for me to take the risk of being in the spotlight when I feel it's necessary, even though I still don't enjoy it. But I'm getting better at accepting the fact that some people will want to tear down anyone who's in the spotlight...and that shouldn't keep me from stepping out when I feel that I need to. Damn though, it sure is stressful.