I am doing GREAT. Better than I have been doing in quite some time--and I realized that it is because the Holy Spirit sent me reminders of who I am and what I am about; things I've forgotten lately. Because over the past year and a half or so I have gotten kind of tunnel-visioned in my life. I have been lonely for romantic companionship, so that has been a focus in many aspects of my life.
For example:Prayer life
: Of course whining to God to bring me a suitable romantic companion, but also occasionally couching it in very holy sounding language, like, "Bring me someone who, through our partnership, your Kingdom will be furthered." I don't think there has been any kind of extended prayer time in the past 2 years that hasn't included prayer about this. Not one. Neither one of my approaches seemed to sway God, however.How I spent my time
: too much time online chatting with random guys (too much of the time about sex), too much time scouring personal ads online, even perusing the very unpromising craigslist hookup links, etc.How I thought about life
: everything I did was through the lens of, "Will there possibly be a guy there I want to date? What kind of guys will be at that activity? Where can I meet guys that I like?"How I thought about myself
: What should I wear to attract the kind of guys I like? How should I wear my hair that would be most attractive to men? and even, What book should I take to read at the coffee shop to attract the kind of man that I'm looking for? DAMN...so much posturing.How I thought about men
: every guy I met was through the lens of, "Is he someone I would want to date? Could he possibly be interested in me? Does he have a girlfriend? What are his future plans?" It's sick, I tell ya.
This kind of lifestyle results in me feeling bad about life most of the time, because if my one main goal is to find a man to love and to love me, and I never do, then every day is a failure and all the good stuff pales in comparison to that one focus of my life. But THEN...God moved. Hallelujah!
God really used hanging out with friend Micah last Sunday to remind me that LOW AND BEHOLD there are things about life that fulfill me and bring me joy other than romantic relationships! Who would have thought? I had just lost sight of that--of all those things that bring me joy and make me feel alive. And God reminded me. God even spoke to me through this lame Christian TV show yesterday morning when I was at the gym. As a response to what I felt God showing me, I am taking all my profiles off the online dating sites, and I am taking myself off the offensive in the dating arena for the rest of my time here in Georgia. Now, I'm not saying there might not come a season when God will call me to put myself out there again and take risks on the offense, but now the risk God is calling me to is to take this desire out of my own hands, and just put it in God's.
And this is really freeing for me at this point--I am free to enjoy life again, and to find joy and love and connection in places that have seemed dull to me as I've focused on romantic love as the holy grail of my life. The fullness of my last year in seminary is not just going to be based on whether I find my mate, my life is big again. I am thankful to God for reawakening my passion for God and for living! Hooray!!!